Always Something
by K.Hope1992
Summary: Senior year brings a lot of hardships, Sam and Freddie have been broken up for three months and with graduation approaching it could be forever. But will either one of them do something to change that? Full summary inside.
1. Isn't It Funny

**Full Summary:** Senior year brings along excitement, adventure, and opportunity. It can be wonderful and a little scary to think of what's next. Sam and Freddie have been broken up for three months and with Graduation approaching, it could be forever. Can Freddie leave for his dream school without a second chance with Sam? And will Sam's stubbornness keep her from happiness? At the end of the day...there's **Always Something** worth fighting for, isn't there?

Chapter 1: Isn't It Funny

**Sam's POV**

Life can be pretty insane sometimes. Like, when something that seems so right, turns out to be so wrong. I guess that happens a lot. One minute you're living your normal life and then...boom, everything changes. By now I should be used to things like this. My life has been anything but normal. My family life is messed up to say the least, so I should be prepared for the unexpected. Yet, somehow I'm not. I've been taught to strong, stare pain and challenges in the face and take them down. Nobody has really seen me with my walls down or when that strength fails. I make everyone think I'm indestructible. I can't even tell my best friend what's going on right now because even though I know how broken I am, I'll never let it show. I never even believed it was possible to feel this way...heartbroken and lost. Of course that was all before I fell in love with one of my best friends, Freddie Benson.

Who in their right mind would have ever thought that Freddie and I would end up together? I never did that's for sure and if anyone would've told me that a few years ago, I probably would've punched them out. I actually wish I would have known, then I could have possibly stopped it and none of this would be happening right now. I guess I only have myself go blame, though. I mean, I am the one who let my guard down for a second and let my secret out. It was a secret I had for a long time before it came pouring out. Why couldn't I have buried it forever? Lately, I've been kind of wondering something, though. What if I never did kiss Freddie that night at school? Would we have somehow ended up here anyways? I never asked him, but I sort of wonder when he started to have feelings for me? Was it just because I kissed him, ran away, and gave him time to think of me in that way? Or did it run deeper than that? I mean we spent years "hating" each other. So, what changed suddenly? I honestly don't know and it kills me sometimes to think about. It's not like I can ask him about it now or anything. I lost my chance and that would be really awkward. It doesn't stop my mind from wondering, though.

I think about how things were when we first started hanging out. We were constantly fighting about anything we could think of. We were 13 years old then, and as time went on...well not too much changed. We argue a lot, but that's just part of who we are. If we got along and agreed on everything, we'd both be back at Troubled Waters. As we grew up, things suddenly started to change between us. We matured and so did our friendship. I didn't always realize it or appreciate it, but he's been the one person I could count on for anything. Even more than Carly sometimes. Even after all the torture he's endured and jabs he's taken from me, he still cares. He sometimes knows me better than I know myself and that scares me. He sees when I'm lying and when I'm hiding. He has never once hesitated on calling me out on something or getting me to open up. I don't even know how he does it. It's like he just knows when I need him and he's there without question. So, how did I let myself fall for him and possibly lose that great quality in him? I know we will always care about each other and have this strong connection. But the minute he told me he loved me...everything changed.

I spent years watching Freddie yearn for Carly's affections. It's kind of strange to even think about now. I remember thinking how insane he was. I would make fun of him every chance I got. I'd constantly tell him that she'd never love him. At first, it was because I thought he was a loser. I mean, we were 13 years old and I wanted to hurt him. As time went on, a part of me wanted to save him. I didn't want him to ultimately end up heartbroken over this massive crush he had. Then, out of some miracle she returned his feelings one day; after he saved her from that taco truck. That didn't last long and I knew it wouldn't. The hero effect can be amazing but it doesn't last. I knew it would wear off and when it did, Freddie would be the one to get hurt. I didn't want to see him in pain. Maybe I was a little jealous too. I knew I'd developed...something for him at the time and I couldn't watch him with her. She's my best friend but that doesn't mean I trust her in matters of the heart, especially when it comes to Freddie. At the time, I cared about him way too much to watch him get knocked down. I guess he understood that too, since he broke it off the next day. We never talked about it but I feel like I played some part in that.

After that, his crush faded and I saw him grow up. He started working out and caring about more than straight A's and Carly. I loved that side of him and even started to like spending time with him outside the iCarly studio. We started hanging out, just the two of us, after school either at the Groovy Smoothie or the park to take a run, and even at each other's' houses sometimes. We never told anyone about it, especially Carly, because we didn't want to make a big deal out of it. It was nice, though. It was so natural to be around him without a care and know that he was listening. I'd rant about my Mom's latest conquest and he'd tell me about his mother's overbearing antics. It is actually kind of nice to have crazy mothers in common. Eventually I started actually liking it there, it brought out my girly side a bit. We started influencing each other too. Like...we would go to the mall together. And I got him to start watching hockey, bringing out his real manly side. That was when I really started to like him, though. I didn't know what to do after a while...until it all exploded in my face.

Running away seemed like the only logical thing to do after that fateful night at school. I knew that I messed things up big time and nothing would ever be the same. Somehow I knew in the back of my mind that somebody was going to get hurt in the end of this. I never thought he would feel the same way and when he did...it was the best day of my life. I felt like I was living in this dream world. I mean, Freddie's like the perfect guy. He's handsome and kind and exactly the type of guy girls dream about bringing home. So, why would he pick me? Especially after all the abuse he's taken from me throughout the years. I'm glad he gave me a chance, though. Our time as a couple seemed to fly by and then it was gone. I wish for a moment I could have it back, just to remember what it felt like. But since that's not possible, all I have is memories. I love to just sit here and think about it all, if only for a moment.

"Sam? Sam? Sam!" Freddie yells, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah? What?"

"Are you okay? You look like you were in another world."

"I was." I say low enough, so he doesn't hear me. "No. No, I'm fine. What's up?"

"I gotta get some stuff ready for the show. What are you doing here so early?"

"What do you mean? I'm here for the show."

"45 minutes early? Who are you and what have you done with Sam Puckett?" He says, laughing at himself.

"You are just hysterical, Benson. I can be early. I'm early...sometimes."

"Yeah, right. About 30 seconds."

"That is so not true. Remember that one time when we were doing the...or the time I..." I said, trailing off trying to remember.

"That's what I thought. We've been doing iCarly for five years and I've never seen you here before show time, especially without Carly."

"Yeah, whatever."

"Yeah, whatever." He says, mocking me and I give him a death glare and he gets the hint. "But...I guess there is a first time for everything."

"I guess there is. Never too late to turn over a new leaf."

"So, does this mean you're gonna be on time from now on?"

"Yeah...no. But when I'm not, just remember this moment and how proud you were of me that I was here." I say and he laughs at me, and for a second things feel normal again. We stare at each other for a moment too long and I take notice, breaking the silence that fell between us. "So...what do you have to do anyways?"

"What?"

"For the show?"

"Oh, right. Um, I have to connect..." He starts but is cut off as Carly enters the studio.

"Hey, Sam! Can we talk about something? I was just..." She starts but stops when she notices Freddie. "Oh, hey Freddie."

"What's up, Carls?" I ask when she awkwardly stops mid-sentence.

"Uh, nothing. Hey Freddie, do you mind if I talk to Sam for a sec?"

"Um...I don't know. Is everything okay?" He asks her.

"What? Yeah. It's just...girl talk for a minute."

"Ugh, fine. I'll be back." He replies and heads for the door.

"Is everything alright with you and Freddie?" Carly asks, slightly curious.

"Yeah, fine. Is everything alright with you, Carls?"

"Yeah. Wait, no it's not. Look, Sam...we promised each other a long time ago that we'd tell each other everything, right?"

"Yeah, of course. And I've...kinda kept that promise."

"Yeah, right! You never even told me you liked Freddie!"

"Oh that's right. I just knew you'd...Carly it up."

"Carly it up? What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh nothing, Carls. But...this isn't about me keeping that a secret. What's really up?"

"Okay. Well, I was downstairs and you left your phone on the counter. It was ringing, so I picked it up because I thought it was your mom." She said, holding up my phone.

"Okay, cool. What did she want?" I reply, grabbing it from her.

"It wasn't your mom."

"Who was it, then?"

"Sam, why would you turn down New York?" She blurts out and I freeze.

"What?"

"Sam...you and I have talked about going to college together in New York for as long as I can remember. And I know we're only a few months into senior year and everything, but I was kinda still banking on that."

"Carly..."

"Why would you turn down an interview with Parsons? It's been your dream forever. You'd go to Parsons, I'd go to NYU and we'd stick together, taking on the big city. What's changed?"

"I..." I start and go sit on the stairs in the studio. I didn't quite know what to say. I had turned that offer down months ago. How did she find out? I was hoping she never did. "How'd you know I did that?"

"When I answered your phone...it was a lady from admissions. Saying you turned down their offer FIVE months ago! Why'd you never tell me?"

"I didn't want you to know, Carls."

"Why? Why would you turn down an opportunity like this? I thought we agreed on applying Early Action, so we'd be able to plan for next year. Why would you do this?"

"I just...decided maybe...New York wasn't for me. It seems so stupid now."

"Yeah, it's stupid! Sam, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. And I know I'm the only one who knows about it...but this has been your dream since we were 10 years old. This is a mistake, Sam."

"I know that, Carly!" I say and turn my head away from her so she can't see what I'm feeling.

"What's really going on, Sam? Why did you really turn it down?"

"I...what does it matter? I blew it! It's done!"

"It does matter. Come on, I'm your best friend...you can tell me anything."

"Fine! It was last year when I started to rethink things. Like, maybe my dream wasn't everything. It doesn't even matter! It was five months ago, before Freddie and I..." I blurt out and stop myself from saying anymore but I think it's too late. Carly's a smart girl, she'll piece this together in a second.

"Oh my god..." Carly started and stopped as she had a realization. "Wait, you didn't give up Parsons because you didn't want to go anymore. You gave it up for...Freddie."

"What? Carly, that's insane." I say, getting up, not wanting to face her.

"No, no, no. You didn't want to leave him or be separated or whatever. You were thinking you'd still be together a year from now."

"That is not true."

"Yes it is, Sam."

"Well, I mean sure. Who really thinks of the day you're gonna break up?"

"Okay, I give you that. But, why would you do this anyways? Isn't he going to...that school..."

"MIT."

"That's it. Isn't that in Massachusetts? It wouldn't have been that far from New York."

"I know that. Look, Carly…this wasn't about being apart or not seeing him as much as I'd like, okay?"

"Then, what was it?"

"Okay, this does have to do with Freddie. But not for the reasons you think." I say and she looks at me confused. Since Freddie and I broke up, I guess there is no harm in telling her now. "Like six months ago, Freddie and I were talking about next year. He told me he really wanted to go to MIT for as long as he could remember. I told him of course and he shouldn't think twice. And then…"

"And then what?"

"He asked me go to Massachusetts with him."

"No way."

"Yeah, he told me that if I came… we could learn to take on college together and not be at strange colleges by ourselves. Besides you, he is one of the only people that believes I'm not as dumb as I let everyone think. So to be closer to him…I applied to the University of Massachusetts."

"Oh my god, are you serious?"

"Yeah, and I got used to the idea of going to Massachusetts with him next year."

"I can't believe it. How come neither one of you told me?"

"Because, New York's where you belong. You've been talking about NYU since we were like eight years old. I didn't want you to think you had to give that up to come with us."

"Wow…so what are you gonna do? If you get into UMass, are you gonna go?"

"I don't know. I mean, maybe. Since I blew it with Parsons."

"Maybe you didn't."

"What?

"Well, I never told you why they were calling. They wanted to give you another chance. They wanted to schedule another interview."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. I told them you'd call them back. You have to go to New York, Sam. Not just for me, but you have to do something for yourself for once. You've spent your entire life putting other people first."

"Not really."

"Sure you have. You just act like you don't. Like…you know you could have gotten into that boarding school Melanie goes to. But you knew your mom could only afford to send one of you. So you told her to go, even though you wanted to."

"Well…"

"And then, how about that time you saved iCarly from being brought down by that nasty Valarie girl? She was ready to take you and Freddie, and leave me forever."

"Yeah, she was a nut job."

"Yeah. And now, you were willing to give up your dream for…love. That's amazing, Sam."

"Look, yes all those things happened but…I did all those things for myself. Going to UMass would be an amazing opportunity."

"As amazing as Parsons?"

"Of course not. But…I still don't know if I want to go,"

"Can I ask you something, Sam?"

"Sure."

"Are you hesitating because of Freddie?"

"What?"

"I mean, are you waiting to see if you and Freddie…work things out and asks you to still go with him?"

"What? No. Why would I do that?"

"Because if he doesn't…then it will really feel like it's over forever, right?"

"It is over. I can't change that"

"What if you could?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I mean, if you could have Freddie back…would you take him?"

"Carly, I…" I started, then stop when I hear the elevator ding and watch my dark haired ex-boyfriend exit.

"Hey, are you guys done talking? Because I really have to connect these cables. Show starts in 20 minutes." He says, and Carly glares at me, wanting to finish this conversation.

"Yeah, were done. There's nothing more to say here. Um…I'm gonna go for some pre-show ham. I'll be back." I say, making a run for the door.

"Be back here more than 10 seconds before we start!" Freddie yells after me.

"No promises." I yell back and shut the door behind me.

I ran out of that studio as fast as I could, praying Carly didn't follow. I've spent the past three months trying to forget that huge mistake I made, turning down my dream school. At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. It may have had to do with the fact that I was blissfully in that relationship, never once thinking something would go wrong. When it did, I didn't know what to do or where I was going. Honestly, I still don't. Maybe Carly's right. Maybe the reason I've been avoiding applying to another school or thinking about the future at all is because of him. I guess somewhere...I was hoping that breaking up with Freddie wouldn't be forever. Just a break until we figured out how much we needed each other. Now time has passed...and the longer it becomes, the harder it becomes to really believe in "us" at all. _Isn't it funny_, how you really don't know what you have till it's gone? How you never will admit you were wrong or need a second chance...until you lose the one person you ever truly loved.

**A/N: This is a story that I had started on a different account and never had the chance to finish, so I thought I would take the time to that now. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and throw me a comment or a suggestion if you want. Otherwise, just enjoy! Thanks again for reading!**


	2. What's Left of Me

Chapter 2: What's Left of Me

**Freddie's POV**

Life is constantly filled with these unexpected moments and events. They catch you off guard and take you on a journey. Usually one you're not prepared for. Maybe it's just been me, but I don't particularly like being surprised by life. I have spent my entire life planning out every last detail. I know exactly what's going to happen in my future...at least I used to. I always thought that growing up in such an insane family, I'd be able to control something…anything. I've been motivated and hardworking my whole life. There isn't anything that I've set my mind to that I haven't achieved. Lately, I've realized achievements mean nothing in the big picture. I never once took time to see that...until recently. Nobody has ever seen me as someone who is strong and can take anything life throws at them. But it seems that strength is the only thing I can rely on now. I have been acting strong for months to hide what is really going on with me. I have no one to talk to about this and right now I'm glad about that. In the past, I never would've been okay with bottling my feelings. But that was all before I fell in love with my best friend, Sam Puckett.

I never in a million years would have thought Sam and I would wind up together. I thought we'd be feuding friends forever. Never anything more. Never anything less. I guess there was always a part of me that knew I had feelings for Sam. I just never really wanted to give into them. I never thought I would fall for my best friend. Like, those couples in those chick flicks, and I've seen a lot of them since my two best friends are girls. But I always thought they were insane. Who really falls in love with their enemy? The girl makes the guy miserable the whole movie and then...bam! He ends up loving all those terrible qualities about her. That is exactly what happened to me. You'd never believe it, but I guess it was meant to be. Sam can get me to let down my guard and be myself. I try to think of the moment I realized I liked her. Was it during the forming of iCarly? Was it the time she pushed me out of that plane in Japan? Our first kiss? When I saw her almost fall to her death on the side of my building? Or was it that night at the lock in, when everything changed? I guess, it really doesn't matter now. I can't help but think about it, though.

When I think of how far Sam and I have come, it is truly unbelievable. We started out as these young kids, who focused all of their energy on one upping each other in pointless arguments. As the years past, we argued less about things that didn't matter and more about the important things in life. At least what we considered to be important. Sam is the most important person in my life. She has this power over me, like she is the only person who can snap me out of this fantasy world I live in sometimes. She knows things I've never told anyone else. And I feel safe when she is in the room. I wish that I could take a few moments in time and just freeze them. Like, I have this picture on my nightstand of the two of us. It was taken a few days before we broke up. I would give anything to relive my relationship with Sam or even just that day. It was the best time of my entire life and I don't think I'll ever be able to recreate what we had. I made a lot of mistakes when it came to our relationship and I can't take them back now.

I keep reliving those few days between the time Sam kissed me at school and when I finally confronted her about it. It was the craziest three days of my entire life. I kept going through moments of our friendship, to see if I ever really noticed her acting differently towards me. I mean, sure we had grown up but we still kept some of our antics the same. Right before that happened, I had found myself noticing little things about her I never did before. Like, how she changed her style and starting wearing a little makeup and her laugh. That laugh makes me melt every time I hear it. It is by far the most beautiful sound in the world. I can remember coming home from Troubled Waters that first night that Carly and I had gotten thrown out. I didn't sleep at all that night, I just kept seeing that perfect girl. She admitted everything to me and finally let her walls come down. I saw a side of her I rarely saw. She was vulnerable and scared. I know she didn't want to mess up our friendship if I didn't feel the same way, I knew it was too late for that. I started going over every detail of our friendship and this bond we formed. And I realized that she was exactly what I had been looking for. How did I never see it before? After all these years, I realized it had always been Sam.

I had spent so long, thinking the only person I could ever want was Carly. It is so weird to think that that's how I felt a few years ago. It definitely shows that life changes so quickly. While I got shot down more times than I can count, Sam was there. Sometimes to hurt me. Sometimes just to make fun of me. And sometimes to open my eyes. She showed me that I didn't really love Carly. I think I really needed that wake up call. It allowed me to finally let go of that crush and grow up. I never said anything but I always wanted to thank Sam for helping me.

After that, Sam and I grew really close. I was able to open up to her about anything. I really did enjoy that true friendship we had finally developed. That is why I was so afraid to give into my feelings for her. I was always scared of losing my best friend. I realized that none of that mattered, and I had to take the same chance Sam had. It was worth risking it all if it meant having Sam. I had spent the whole night before planning out exactly what I was going to tell her. It was this great speech about how she had been the one person I could always count on. And the only person I ever wanted to. I wanted to apologize for never realizing how much I liked her and wanted to be with her. Of course, my whole planned changed once Carly revealed everything, live on iCarly. That was pretty insane. Did she honestly think we were going to let some crazy fans decide our fate? Or maybe that was part of her plan to get us to finally open up to each other? But, I watched Sam during that and I saw her falling more into this idea that she was crazy. I couldn't let her go any further without hearing me out. I didn't have time to say everything I wanted to and if I could redo it all, I probably would do it all differently. And then again I wouldn't. It was spontaneous and unplanned, something I had never done in my entire life. Especially when it came to something this huge. But at that moment, it didn't matter. When I kissed her and told her exactly how I felt...I felt whole. She gave me faith in something amazing...love.

I guess that thinking about that moment and the first night we were together makes this whole journey I'm on now even harder. Sam and I had a pretty interesting relationship. It was fun and adventurous and unpredictable. It was exactly what I had always wanted. I let her into my heart and I fell in love with her. I always knew I loved her. I mean, we've been friends for such a long time...how could I not? But realizing I was _in _love with her, it was completely different. I love everything about that girl. She's funny, smart, and beautiful. She's everything a guy could ever ask for. Sure, Sam Puckett does not let any of that show and she may not be the one every guy dreams of bringing home to meet his mother. (I mean, just ask my mother how she feels about Sam). Yet, when all her strength and masks come away...she is the most amazing woman in the world.

I let her go without a fight and I can't do anything about it. I kept my true feelings hidden from her, so she thought I was fine with it. So, instead of telling her this was a huge mistake and we could work it out...what do I do? I tell her I love her. Who does that? Who is too scared to tell the girl he loves the truth? Apparently I am. I had known...like really known that I loved her with all my heart weeks before that fateful night. I was scared to tell her before that because I didn't want to scare her off. But after we broke up I figured, I'd lost her already...why not tell her? To my surprise, she said it back. It was the most incredible moment of my entire life. I never thought it would feel so great, to know that somebody loved me. But it was exactly what I waited forever to hear. To know someone cares and feels the same way is the greatest thing in the world. That's why it kills me so much now, to know exactly what I lost. And the fact that I can't do a damn thing about it, no matter how much I want to, or how much it shatters my heart.

For the past three months I have hid my feelings from everyone. I didn't want anyone to see how I'm really doing after the break up, especially since I still have to be around Sam every day. Everyone just assumed that since we broke up on good terms, everything would just go back to the way it was before. I wish that were true, but I can't just let go of what we had. I put on a brave face around everyone, so no one sees my pain. I've never been very good at talking when I'm hurt. And when I have, the only person I've ever opened up to was Sam. Obviously that's not possible. So, I'll keep everything inside. No matter how hard it is to see Sam back to normal. I have to sit back and listen to her and Carly talk about guys and dating and college. I sit there and take it but all I want to do is beg for her to take me back. To take go through senior year as a couple and go to college together, like we were planning. I wish I could still ask her to come with me to Massachusetts, but I'm sure she's looking for other options by now. It feels so weird to think about how fast life changes. It feels like yesterday that we were filling out our applications, hers to UMass and mine to MIT...it was going to be amazing. Now I'm left here just wishing I could turn back time or change something about my future.

Today has been an interesting day. I showed up in the studio and to my surprise, Sam was there. She was just sitting there looking beautiful, and like her head was somewhere else. I wondered if something was going on but there was no way she was going to tell me. She just brushed it off when I asked her and I changed the subject. Sam and I have really avoided being alone together since the breakup. I don't think either of us knows how to friends anymore. There are these times where we get lost in the moment and it feels like were not exes but just us again, if only for a moment. Then, were back to avoiding a confrontation of our feelings. I wish I knew what she was thinking sometimes. And I really wish I knew what was going on with her and Carly. Carly got rid of me real fast earlier and when I stepped off the elevator, they looked shocked to see me and immediately stopped talking. Whatever it was, it seemed serious. And something they really didn't want me to know about. Sam made a quick excuse to get out of here, and I hoped maybe Carly would tell me something.

"Hey, Carly...is everything okay?" I asked after Sam walked out.

"Yeah. Fine, perfect."

"No it's not. What was that?"

"What was what?"

"You and Sam? What were you guys talking about?"

"Nothing."

"That didn't look like nothing. Come on, Carly you don't have to be afraid to talk to me about Sam."

"I'm not...I just can't."

"Look, Sam and I have to learn how to be friends again. Like…"

"You used to be." Carly says, finishing my sentence.

"Yeah."

"I don't think that will ever be possible, Freddie. No matter how hard you try...it'll always be there. You and Sam...what you had. What you lost."

"Yeah, I know. I just...I don't know what to do."

"Look, Freddie I do want to talk to you about this but...I have to go get Sam. I'll be back." She says and heads for the door.

"What? No. We go live in 15 minutes."

"I'll be back, promise."

I didn't get anywhere with my conversation with Carly, I don't know what I expected. There was no way she'd go and tell me if Sam was hiding something. I watched her leave and finished what I needed to do for the show to begin. Suddenly I realized that we had to go live in like 5 minutes and Sam and Carly weren't back yet. I decided I better go downstairs and hurry them up. I get half way down the stairs when I hear them arguing. Carly and Sam rarely fight, so hearing it was a little surprising. Especially since they seemed fine a few minutes ago. I feel like I should go break it up but decide against it. Instead I do something I don't do very often, I eavesdrop...and am shocked by what I hear.

"Carly, just let it go." I hear Sam beg of Carly.

"No. Not until you tell me the truth or agree to come with me next week."

"No, Carls. I won't do either of those things. I don't want to go. And I don't want to talk about this."

"Well we have to talk about this! Just let me in Sam, please I'm your best friend."

"I thought you were Freddie's best friend?"

"Sam, you know that's different. Please just talk to me."

"Can't you just worry about yourself for once?"

"I'm only doing this because I care about you."

"If you did...you'd let it go."

"Come on, enough with this already...I need you to..."

"Exactly. Admit you're pushing this for your own selfish reasons."

"As soon as you admit that this has everything to do with Freddie!" Carly yells and I hear Sam storm out, slamming the door. "Sam!" Carly yells again, running out after her.

I come down the rest of the stairs, after I hear the door slam for the second time, and sit down on the bottom step. After hearing Sam and Carly, it makes me even more confused than I was before. What was going on? And why did Carly think it had to with me? I really wish I had gotten there sooner to hear more of the conversation. What were they even talking about? What is going on with them?

"Freddie? Freddie!" I get taken out of my thoughts, as Spencer yells to me.

"Yeah? What's up?"

"Aren't you supposed to be doing iCarly?"

"Uh…I was. But I kind of lost my stars."

"What are you talking about?"

"I don't know. Sam and Carly stormed out of here. They were arguing and now…no iCarly."

"What were they arguing about?"

"I wish I knew. I was kinda…listening from the stairs but I only heard the end. And then they were gone."

"You're not gonna go after them?"

"Nah. I learned a long time ago, that usually just makes it worse."

"Ah, smart man."

"They'll work it out on their own." I say, putting my head in my hands.

"Are you okay, Freddie?"

"What? Yeah, fine."

"You don't look fine." He says and sits down next to me. "You know, we never really talked about what happened between you and Sam."

"What's there to talk about?"

"Well…I mean, I know you really care about her and…this whole breakup has got to be killing you."

"No…I mean, I'm alright."

"No, you're not. In the beginning, I was just letting you go through the motions. But now it's been a few months….do you wanna talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Are you sure? Cause I know you don't really want to or you can't talk about it with Carly. But you can talk to me. I wouldn't say anything." Spencer tells me, and I see a side of him I don't think I ever have before. "Come on, you can trust me."

"Alright, fine." I say, finally giving in and opening up to someone. "It's been a really rough few months. I don't know…I guess I thought Sam and I could just go back to being friends. But that's impossible. We can't be just friends. Not anymore."

"But you said…"

"I know what I said. That being friends was just fine? I was just saying that to act like I was alright in front of Sam. But it was a lie."

"So, what do you want?"

"I don't know exactly. I mean, I didn't even want to break up!" I blurt out, making that confession out loud for the first time.

"What? I thought you said it was mutual?"

"I said that…to Sam and everyone else, but I lied. She wanted to break up and I thought that by agreeing with her…it would save me from being heartbroken."

"But it didn't. You may have been trying to hide it, but I've seen you when you thought no one was looking. You've been a mess for months, man. And no matter how strong you try to act, it won't work."

"Tell me about it. But what am I supposed to do? She's my best friend, I still have to see her every day."

"Yeah, that's pretty awful. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"You love her, don't you?" Spencer asks and my head shoots up in a bit of shock at the question.

"I…well of course I do, we've been friends forever."

"No. Not as your best friend, not in the same you love Carly. I mean…you're _in _love with her, aren't you?" He says and I don't say anything. I just nod my head and look back down. "I knew it!"

"Yeah and…I told her that."

"You did? When?"

"The night we broke up."

"Seriously?"

"Yup. I knew it was over and I saw her, you know slipping away…I had held that in for so long, she needed to know."

"But if you were breaking up, why do that to yourself?"

"Because, even if I was losing her…it didn't change how I felt. And it never will."

"Wow. You know, that's a really brave thing to do. Putting yourself out there, even though you know you'll probably get hurt."

"Tell me about it. But, to my surprise…she said it back." I say, smiling a real smile for the first time in a long time.

"Wow, that's amazing. And you still broke up? Even after that?"

"Yeah. She didn't want to be with me anymore. I had to respect that."

"So, you have to be unhappy because Sam said so?"

"Well, yeah. I mean, she is one half of the equation."

"I guess…but still it doesn't seem fair to you."

"In the moment and the rest of that last night together, it looked like she might break and give in and just forget about the break up. But then…it was like reality kicked in. And that was it. It was over, to the point of no return."

"It's so strange."

"What is?"

"You and Sam. Who would've thought out of every one, that you two would fall in love?"

"Yeah, right. If you told like 13 year old me that? I would've flipped out and probably slapped you."

"Yeah. Just remembering how you guys were back then…constantly on each other about something."

"I know, it was crazy."

"Well, I guess it's true opposites attract."

"Yeah, if only Sam believed that."

"Is that why she wanted to break up? She thought you were too different?"

"Yup."

"That's so dumb. You've always known that, it's not news."

"That's what I thought. But you know Sam, when she thinks she's right…there's no changing her mind."

"Do you want to, though? Do you want to change her mind? And get back together?"

"I…of course I do. I just don't if that will ever be possible. I can't change what's already happened. I know I should have fought for what we had, but now…it's too late." I say and look down, rethinking everything that's happened between me and Sam. "I asked her to come with me to college, you know. To Massachusetts."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. We were planning everything for next year and then…it was gone."

"That's huge. Are you gonna be okay, Freddie?"

"I honestly don't know. I hope so. In time I guess, I'll never get over it…but I'll get used to it."

"Yeah, I guess so. So, she was really ready to go with you?"

"Yeah, she applied to UMass."

"Really? I always thought she was going to go to…" Spencer starts saying but is cut off by Carly walking back into the apartment. "Carly!"

"Hey." She replies simply. "Sorry about iCarly, Freddie."

"Uh, yeah. Where's Sam? What happened to you guys?"

"She'll be back in a minute. I sent her get some smoothies. We had…a little disagreement."

"Yeah, I heard."

"You did? Everything?" She asks, sounding worried. That makes me even more curious to know what they were talking about.

"No, I just heard yelling and slamming of doors."

"Oh. Good."

"Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, it is. Everything will be just fine." Carly says, then turns to look at Spencer. "What's going on here?"

"Nothing, just…some guy talk. And waiting for you." Spencer says, looking over at me. I silently thank him for not revealing any more about our conversation.

"Um…I'll be back in a sec. I left my phone in the studio."

I made an excuse to get away from Carly and Spencer. Opening up today for the first time felt surprisingly good. I've been keeping so much inside for so long, it felt nice to talk about what happened. I know I'm really broken and I'm not the man I want to be. I wish I could just tell Sam all the things I did wrong and what I want to change. I wish I knew how she was feeling. If she felt anything at all anymore. I might never know what could've been. But…if I was ever lucky enough to have a second chance, I wouldn't take that for granted. I want to fight for what we had, I just feel like as time goes on she becomes even further away. And next year…she really will be. I just hope that I could possibly get a chance to change all of that. Because I love Sam Puckett. And my heart is really broken right now. I don't really know how to be okay again or what's left of me at all.


	3. Dare to Believe

Chapter 3: Dare to Believe

**Carly's POV**

Being on the outside, looking in is an extremely difficult position to be in. It's like you only get half the story and you have to kind of make up the rest. It's kind of crazy sometimes to see a story unfold in front of you. My entire life I have spent moving forward at full speed and leading others. Sometimes I feel like my life is going in circles and I don't know how to stop it. I've planned out my life in every aspect. I've had to be an adult almost my whole life. I'm grateful for my brother and all he has done and given up for me but sometimes I feel like I'm raising him. Yet, my life is pretty amazing. I know I'm going somewhere in life and that feeling is incredible. But I feel like I've failed in some way. I know I haven't always been the greatest listener when my friends have really needed me. And when you don't take the time to observe your world, things can get turned upside down without warning. That is exactly what happened to me recently. I didn't stop for one second to see that my two best friends were falling in love with each other.

Watching Sam and Freddie fall for each other right in front of my eyes was pretty insane. When it first happened, I just kept having flashbacks to when we all first started hanging out. Those two would always drive me crazy with all their arguing. They would find absolutely anything to fight about. There were times I wasn't even sure they'd ever be friends, never mind anything more. I guess love is a funny thing, though. It catches you off guard and sometimes doesn't make a whole lot of sense. And sometimes it does. When I watched through that window at school, watching Sam lay her feelings out for Freddie, it all made sense. The two of them had formed an unspoken bond that I don't think I'll ever quite understand. Freddie has this power of getting Sam to open up and be honest. I've been best friends with her since we were seven years old and I could never do that. They understand each on a different level than I ever will. Surprisingly I'm okay with that. I love to be there for my friends but...I don't think I'd be the number one person either one of them would run to when they're hurting. I guess their story was always meant to be. That's how love stories always are. The feuding guy and girl fall in love, right?

I never thought the two of them would end up together or even want to be. Until I learned they have secrets between just the two of them. Like, their first kiss. It's incredible for them to share some of those deep, intimate moments together. I never really took the time to realize that they always needed each other. For years, Freddie claimed to love me and wanted to be with me. I always turned him down. I used to think it was because he was just my nerdy friend, like my brother. But now, maybe I did it because, subconsciously, I knew he was meant to be with someone else. Maybe I even knew he was meant to be with Sam. I think it was always there, the two of them. They claimed to hate each other for so long but I knew that wasn't true. I used to catch them stealing moments together, even if it was just a look of agreement. They were there for each other in times that no one else was. They would hurt each other and then they'd make up for it in a huge way. Like when Sam humiliated Freddie on iCarly, telling the world he never kissed anyone. I watched her reveal that same secret about herself...just to save him, help him be okay again. Then a few weeks later, Freddie saved Sam. She went to him for help with the whole Missy situation and he came up with a solution. Neither one of them can stand seeing each other in pain. What I can't understand is…why they're killing each other now?

Sam and Freddie's relationship was anything but normal. It was crazy and unpredictable. I wouldn't have expected anything less from the two of them. When I let their secret out, live on iCarly, I didn't know what to expect out of it. It was kind of a split second decision. I'm glad I did it, though. The way they were that night together, I wish I could have paused those moments so that I could replay it now. They were so happy and carefree, nothing mattered but each other. As the weeks went on, they continued to be happy. But happy in a Sam and Freddie way of course. They challenged each other and argued like they always have. That is just who they are. And even though they drove me completely insane with all those pointless arguments, I know they only did it because they loved each other. At the time, I grew tired of their relationship antics. I even considered helping Gibby and Mrs. Benson break them up. I feel so guilty about that because I did it for extremely selfish reasons. I almost sacrificed my best friends' happiness because I wanted things to be normal again. I wanted them to show up for iCarly and include me more in their lives. There was no excuse, it was wrong. I see that now. I see that they only did all those crazy things because they cared so much about each other. And then, in the blink of an eye, it was over. Now all I see is my friends hurting, something I can't change. I just wish everyone could be happy again. But life as we knew it will never be the same.

It has been a rough three months for everybody. Sam and Freddie told everyone that their break up was mutual. That right now, they weren't working but maybe someday they would. I knew they were both lying to hide their pain and please the other. But I see how they look at each other. They'll never be friends again. It's just not going to happen, too much has happened now. That fateful night of the lock-in and the months that followed, changed everything forever. The night they became...Sam and Freddie, their friendship was over. There is no turning back time and it's tearing them apart inside. I liked seeing their strong friendship develop, right before everything happened. I saw them really rely on each other and finally be the kind of friends I always wanted them to be. I love them both and I want them to be happy more than anything. Lately, they have both been the complete opposite and I don't know how to help them. I hate how breakups work. Everyone has to take sides and blame somebody. It is extremely hard when those sides are both your best friends. I feel helpless and I don't know what to do. I tried to ignore it at first but it's impossible. Their lingering tension is always in the room and things feel awkward. I worry things will never be okay again. I want to help them be alright but I'm not sure that will ever happen.

Sam and I have planned out our future as best friends since we were eight years old. I never thought twice about it or thought everything would change. I couldn't believe that Sam had changed her mind and never told me. I was shocked at first and didn't know how to react. Should I be angry? Sad? Or just be happy for my friend? I really didn't know, especially now that Sam had lost Freddie. I saw the look in her eyes when she told me what they had been secretly planning to do next year. She had so much hope and it was taken from her. I never thought Freddie would take that big a step with Sam. Asking her to go to college with him, that's huge. Something you only do when you really love someone. I always knew that they loved each other; somewhere, somehow. But today, I saw that Sam and Freddie are really _in_ love with each other.

I was shocked when I picked up that phone today. I never thought Sam would give up Parsons for anything. She always said that nothing in this world could stop her from going to New York. So, when I confronted her about turning it down, I expected her to tell me she was too lazy to go to the interview or she had forgotten how far New York actually was. That she wasn't spending that long on a plane. But instead I got an extremely different answer. She tried to hide it but it slipped out. There was only one thing holding Sam back from her dream now...Freddie. I saw in that moment that Sam's dream had changed from what it was when we were eight or even what it was last year. She no longer cares about a career or who she will be in this world. Instead her dream has changed into something so much better. All she wanted was to love somebody and have them love her back. She found exactly that in Freddie. She found what she lacked in her life for so long. I can't believe I never saw it. I did now, though. She gave up her dream for love. And that is the most amazing thing anyone could ever do. I saw the look on her face when I asked her if she wanted Freddie back. It killed me when he reentered and her faith fell.

Once she was gone, Freddie tried to grill me on information about her. I saw the pain in his eyes when he realized Sam would never be his friend again. I knew I should stay and hear him out about how he was feeling but I didn't. Instead, I left my friend hurting in that studio, while I chased after Sam for my own selfish reasons. I know I haven't been there for Freddie or Sam in the way I know they need me. They are both in pain and nothing is going to fix that right now. But I had to finish my conversation with Sam. I didn't realize just how much I haven't been listening all this time.

"Sam? Sam?" I call to her as I come down the stairs.

"Hey." She responds quietly.

"I thought you were getting pre-show ham?" I ask when I find her sitting on the couch with nothing but a bottle of water.

"Yeah, I was. But I'm not hungry."

"You're not? We should get you to a doctor, Sam!"

"So funny, Carly."

"Well...it's just, you always have pre-show ham. It's been a ritual for like five years."

"Yeah, well...some things change."

"Speaking of...can we finish our conversation from before?"

"How about we don't and say we did?"

"Come on, Sam. This is really important."

"No, it's not. I made a mistake and it's over, alright?"

"I know but...look I know a lot of stuff has happened these past few months. But there's one thing that hasn't. Do you know what that is?"

"I'm sure you're gonna tell me."

"You're right I am. What hasn't changed is...your feelings for Freddie. And your dream for New York. Those things are still there. And there's no reason you can't have both."

"Carly, look...what Freddie and I had is in the past. Nothing will change that."

"But..."

"No. We're gonna be going our separate ways soon. He'll go go MIT. You'll go to NYU. And...I'll find my place. I truly believe that, wherever or whatever that is."

"You know your place is at Parsons. And you have a second chance...you need to take it."

"I don't know if I can."

"You can. I'm going to visit NYU next week, get that interview and come with me."

"I don't know, Carls...maybe the reason I turned it down to begin with is because I don't belong there."

"No. You turned it down because you fell in love. There's no shame in that, Sam. But…sometimes things change. And you get another chance."

"And sometimes you don't."

"Sam...do you still love Freddie?"

"What? I..."

"Are you going to give up an amazing opportunity and wait for him? Wait for him to be ready for your relationship again? Or are you gonna stand on your own and go after something you really want?"

"Carly, just let it go."

"No! Not until you tell me the truth or agree to come with me next week."

"No, Carls. I won't do either of those things. I don't want to go. And I don't want to talk about this."

"Well, we have to talk about this! Just let me in, Sam. Please I'm your best friend."

"I thought you were Freddie's best friend?"

"Sam, you know that's different. Please just talk to me."

"Can't you just worry about yourself for once? And not the rest of us?"

"I'm only doing this because I care about you."

"If you did...you'd let it go."

"Come on, enough with this already. I need you to..."

"Exactly. Admit you're pushing this for your own selfish reasons!"

"As soon as you admit that this has everything to do with Freddie!" I yell at her and she storms out of the apartment. I know that we're supposed to be starting iCarly and Freddie is going go freak out but I don't care. Maybe I pushed too far this time. "Sam!" I scream, running after her. "Sam! Stop!" I beg her as I catch up to her.

"No!" She yells back at me and continues out the lobby doors.

"Come on, Sam! Look, I'm sorry."

"But you're not, Carly." She says, finally stopping outside. "Look, you're the best friend I could ever ask for. But...sometimes you don't know when to back off."

"You're right. I am being selfish right now and that's not fair to you. I just...I want everything to go back to the way it was. Like it has been all these years."

"I know, me too. But honestly, that's not going to happen."

"Yeah, I know that. These past few months, I've been trying to pretend like nothing's changed. I thought that maybe if we didn't talk about it, then nothing was different. That was wrong. I should have been a better friend to you...and Freddie. I know you're hurting, Sam." I tell her and at first she doesn't say anything.

"You know, it's kind of strange...feeling this way." She says, walking and sitting on the bench beside us. "I never thought it was possible to actually have your heart...this broken. And it doesn't make any sense."

"What doesn't?"

"Well, I'm supposed to hate him. That's who we are, always has been."

"Oh come on, you never hated each other. That was your way of saying you cared."

"I guess so. But now…I shouldn't feel so horrible."

"Why not?"

"Well, I mean I broke up with him."

"What? I thought you guys said it was mutual."

"I know what we said. But...I know that's not true. I told him we didn't click and we needed to go our separate ways. I know he didn't want to break up. But I had to do it."

"Why?"

"Because...I didn't want to get hurt. I knew eventually he'd realize we weren't gonna work. I mean, look at him. He's handsome and smart and kind. And I'm...me. I'm loud, vicious, and unintelligent. Why would someone like him want to be with me?"

"Because he loves you. I can tell. He's learned to love all your bad qualities. And he's the only one that got you to let out all of your amazing ones. Sam, you're funny and smart and loving. Whether you want to be or not. Freddie saw past all the horrible things you've done to him over the years. He let you in and...he loves you."

"Yeah, I know. He told me the night we broke up."

"He did?"

"Yeah. And I said it back."

"That's amazing, Sam. But wait...if you loved each other, then why'd you go through with the break up?"

"I really don't know. We spent that night together and it was incredible. But then midnight hit, and it was like the real world kicked in. It was over."

"Wow, this has got to be killing you. Still being with him every day."

"Yeah, it's not easy."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"If you could redo that night, the night you broke up, would you? Would you let Freddie go?"

"No, I wouldn't. But...there are no redo's in life and I have to live with what I did."

"Even if it hurts you this bad?"

"Yeah. I broke up with him to avoid heartbreak but...ended up there anyway."

"I'm sorry, Sam. Maybe you will work things out eventually."

"Yeah, maybe. And maybe not. It's probably time to really let him go and try to move forward."

"What if that's not possible?"

"I know it's not. But I have to at least pretend it is. I can't keep living like this. I want to be okay again. I want to be strong and confident again. Not weak and sappy like I am now."

"Sometimes it's okay to be weak and sappy."

"Well, I don't like it. That's not who I've ever been."

"True. But...that was before you fell in love. It changes you."

"Yeah, I guess. It makes you do some stupid things. Like, giving up Parsons. What was I thinking?"

"That you wanted to be with Freddie."

"Yeah, I was actually getting used to the idea of going UMass. I think it would be really amazing."

"Sam, is Parsons still your dream?"

"What do you mean? Of course… I mean, I don't even know. My whole life, I knew that was the plan. We'd graduate and I'd go to Parsons. But now that it's almost here...I don't what my dream really is anymore."

"Sam...maybe you need to figure it out before you make any decisions."

"Yeah, you're right. It's just... I don't know what I want anymore. And that scares me so much. Maybe New York really isn't for me. Not because of Freddie. Not because my dream has changed. Maybe it just isn't. But...I don't think I'll know until I go and find out. I'm gonna go for that second chance."

"Only if you really want to. I don't want to push you to come with me."

"You're not. I just realized that... I sacrificed something amazing… for a guy. And that's just not who I am. And it's not who I want to be. I mean, I'm not sure if Parsons is where I want to be. Or if UMass is where I want to be. I just need to open my options."

"That's amazing, Sam. I'm proud of you...for everything."

"Thanks, Carls. Really. And I'm sorry I haven't talked about this before. It's just...I know you're in a weird position with me and Freddie."

"Yeah, I know. But...you can always count on me. We've been friends forever, I want to help."

"Thanks. I just wish there was a solution."

"Maybe someday there will be."

"Yeah, maybe."

"So, we should probably head back. Freddie's probably freaking out that we missed iCarly."

"Yeah, you're right. I kinda want a Smoothie first, though. Want one?"

"Sure."

"I'll go get some and meet you back in the studio?"

"Sounds great." I say and get up, heading back to the apartment as Sam heads to the Groovy Smoothie.

Having Sam finally open up about her break up with Freddie was a huge step. I know it is a subject we've been avoiding for months now. I never should have done that. Sam really needed to talk about this and I wasn't being the friend I should have been. But no more. I'm ready to help my friends when they need me. And right now...they both do. I don't want to take sides or blame somebody for what's happened. Even though Sam already did that. I just hope things get better and resolved. I'm not sure that is going to happen, though. When I walked back into the apartment after my heart to heart with Sam, I found Freddie and my brother in a pretty intense conversation. I didn't know what was going on but I wanted to find out. But Freddie quickly made an excuse and ran upstairs. But I wanted to make sure he was okay.

"So, what is really going on Spencer?" I ask my brother, once Freddie is gone.

"Nothing. What do you mean?"

"Oh come on! You and Freddie seemed to be talking about something pretty important before I walked in."

"Not really."

"Spencer...is he okay? I mean, was he talking about Sam?" I ask and he doesn't answer, which makes me assume that's a yes. "Look, Sam's pretty messed up about this. I've been trying to pretend nothing's wrong but it is. I didn't want to get in the middle but...they need to confront this breakup."

"Is Sam alright?" Spencer asks and I shake my head.

"Is Freddie?"

"No. But you can't tell him I told you that. It's just...I feel like he hasn't had anyone to talk to about this. I just wanted him to know he could talk to me."

"I'm glad he can talk to you. It's just...this whole situation got really screwed up. I really wanted things to go back to the way they were before."

"That's not going to happen, Carly."

"I know. I see that now. Sam...she just opened up to me about this. She blames herself and I don't know if she's ever gonna be able to let that go."

"She's not. Neither of them will." He says, then pauses for a moment before he continues. "He really loves her."

"You think so?"

"I know so. You know he told her that?"

"Yeah Sam told me, the day they broke up."

"Yeah. I just can't believe he did that, even though he knew he was losing her."

"Wait, he did it after they broke up?"

"Yup. He said he didn't care and nothing is gonna change how he feels."

"Oh my god. I have to talk to him."

"Carly, I don't know if you should."

"No. I've been a terrible friend. I've pushed my friends away, while I watched them in pain. I made them both feel like they couldn't come to me. And I know Freddie feels like I'm taking Sam's side."

"Well, I mean of course he does. You're her best friend in the world and you have been for a really long time."

"But I want to be there for him too. He's a really important person in my life. And I have to talk to him about this. I just wish they would work this out."

"Everyone does."

"Hey, maybe..."

"No. No. No, Carly. Don't even think about meddling."

"Me? Meddling? I would never."

"Really?" Spencer says sarcastically.

"Okay, I would. But they need some help. They love each other, and…I just want them to be happy."

"But this is Sam and Freddie's problem. If it's meant to be...they'll find their way back to each other."

"Ugh, I guess you're right. But I'm still gonna go talk to Freddie." I say and head towards the stairs.

"Remember Carly, no pushing."

"Okay, fine." I say and run half way up the stairs, then turn back to Spencer. "Oh! And if Sam comes back, can you stall her while I'm up here?"

"Sure thing."

"Thanks." I say and continue up the stairs.

I headed up to the studio to finally talk to Freddie. I feel so bad for how I haven't been there for him. I want him to know he's still my friend and I'll be here if he wants to talk. I'm done ignoring this breakup and all the awkwardness that has come along with it. As I reach the studio, I have no idea what I'm gonna say to him or if he'll even want to talk to me. I look through the door and see Freddie sitting on the stairs and I know it's now or never.

"Hey, Freddie."

"Oh hey ,Carly. I was just gonna come back down."

"Oh okay. But actually, if it's okay...can we talk for a minute?"

"Uh, sure. What's up?"

"I wanted to apologize to you."

"For what?"

"For not being here for you. I know you've been going through hell lately. And I haven't been too willing to talk to you about it."

"It's okay. I get it, Carly."

"No you don't. I know you think I'm siding with Sam and I'm only there for her. But that's not true. The truth is I haven't been there for either of you. I wanted to pretend it that none of this ever happened. Because if it didn't happen, then everything was normal. That wasn't right. And I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I wish I could pretend things were normal too. Except I can't, that's not reality."

"I know. And it's not fair to think that you should. And I want you to know, you can talk to me about this. If you want to, I mean."

"Thanks."

"Well, do you?"

"What?"

"Do you want to talk about it? I promise I won't tell Sam anything."

"Thanks, that means a lot. But I'm really cool."

"No you're not. You keep trying to act strong. And you have been for months now. But...don't you think it's time to stop hiding?"

"I'm not. I just...you promise you won't tell Sam?"

"I swear."

"Okay, it's just...it's not exactly easy to be around her every day. It's not normal to hang out with your ex-girlfriend and pretend everything is fine."

"I know. I can't imagine what that must be like."

"And I wish we could be friends and act like we did before. But...too much has happened. And we can't take it back."

"But you don't want to, right?"

"Of course not. I don't regret a second Sam and I were together."

"Then what do you regret, Freddie?"

"Letting her talk me into breaking up. I didn't agree with her and I should have spoken up. I should have worked harder to fight for her. And I wish I could change almost everything that happened that night."

"Are you gonna tell her that?"

"What? Of course not."

"Why not?"

"Because it's over. We're moving on. We'll be going our separate ways soon. And I have to except that."

"But it's killing you to do that, right?" I say and he looks at me with pain in his eyes. "Sam told me about Massachusetts."

"She did?"

"Yeah. I was really surprised to hear you wanted her to go with you."

"Yeah, well...it doesn't matter anymore. She not gonna go to UMass now."

"Maybe not. But...do you want her to?"

"I don't know. I just want her to be happy."

"Freddie, I'm gonna tell you something I probably shouldn't. But...I think you deserve to know."

"Okay. What is it?"

"Sam and I have been planning to go to college together since we were like 10 years old. We'd go to New York. Me to NYU and her...to Parsons."

"The design school?"

"Yeah. She never told anyone, but that's her dream school. At least it used to be. But anyway, we applied early action. So we'd know early and plan out every detail. I was still banking on that."

"I had no idea."

"I know. And today...I found out she turned them down _five _months ago!"

"What?"

"Don't you see, Freddie. She was willing to walk away from her dream…for you."

"Oh my god. I can't believe it. Sam gave up her dream for me. And she never even told me."

"She knew if she did, you wouldn't have wanted her to go with you."

"Of course not."

"Exactly. Look, Sam has done a lot of selfish things in her life. But she's done even more selfless ones. Things you don't even know about. Some I know she regrets. But...this is one thing she doesn't."

"I can't believe it. So, what's she gonna do now? Go to UMass anyway?" He asks, looking hopeful.

"Freddie, you love her don't you?"

"More than anything in the world."

"What are you gonna do about it?"

"What do you mean?"

"I was told not to meddle, but I can't help it. I have watched the two of you avoid confrontation with each other for _three_ months now. Because you know if you gave into it, you'd be right back to where you were. And that scares you...both of you. But, life's gonna move on whether you want it to or not. And once graduation come, you may never get a second chance. Can you live with that?"

"That's a little...forward. Don't you think?"

"No, it's not. You only have two choices. You know what that is? Well, I'm gonna tell you. You can either sit here and be miserable, regretting letting true love get away. Or...you could get up off your ass and do something about it!"

"Carly, I appreciate your concern. And I know you want things to be alright again. But…I don't know if Sam and I are in the cards."

"But you love her!"

"And I always will. But...sometimes love just isn't enough."

"Why are you both so stubborn? You want to know why? Because you're scared. Scared of actually being together...loving each other."

"Carly, I wish I could turn back time and change everything."

"Good, do it."

"But that's not real life! That happily ever after crap isn't real! I love Sam. She is the greatest person I've ever met. But...our relationship was complicated. And she ran first chance she got! She broke my heart! And I can't even tell her that! Because I have to see her face and hear her laugh and watch her smile every single day. Things are not like the movies, Carly! And I can't pretend they are. As much as I want to be with her...we don't always get what we want. And maybe...maybe I need to accept that."

"Freddie, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were feeling like this."

"I know. Because you've been avoiding me for three months. Like, one word would break me. Or maybe you were just being selfish. And now, it's too late."

"No it's not. What can I do to help?"

"Just let it go. Let us figure this out on our own. Whatever that may be. Maybe for once, you need to stay out of it."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I will, I promise."

"Whatever. Look, I better get home. See you later, Carly."

"Wait, are we cool?"

"Yeah, absolutely." He says and walks out the door. I know he was lying to me. He is far from okay.

Today has been a really weird day and it just keeps getting more revealing as it goes on. Both Sam and Freddie have admitted their true feelings to me for the first time. I thought it would feel great to hear them finally open up. But it has made all this even worse. I'm afraid if I push them together….they'll resent it. But if I don't…they may never get a second chance. Senior year is definitely going to be interesting. I wish I knew what was going to happen. I guess I just have to _believe _that everything happens for a reason. And I just have to _believe _in fate and hope for the best.


	4. Nothing to Lose

Chapter 4: Nothing to Lose

**Sam's POV**

My life never ceases to amaze me. It keeps on getting crazier every day. Every time I feel like things might finally be okay, something else happens. I should probably be happy about that. That my life is ongoing and adventurous. Except. I'm not. I really wish everything could be normal in my life, just once. I wish I knew where I was heading, who I'll be, and even who will be my side. I think that if I knew everything was going to be okay, I could move forward without so much fear. I have been avoiding thinking about my future for months now. I'm scared whenever I think about it, so I try not to. That's not who I am, though. I am confident and sure of myself in everything I do. Yet, if that is true…why am I questioning everything about myself? The truth is, I don't really know what I want. I always thought that I did. I thought my future was set in stone, never to be changed or erased. Then again, that was all when I was younger. Now I have grown up a little and everything is different. In this past year, I have learned a lot. I have learned that nothing is for certain. Sometimes plans change. And sometimes you get lost on your journey. I also see that a dream…it is just a fantasy built up in your imagination. It isn't real. But if you're lucky…I mean, if you're one of the few lucky people that can live that dream, then congratulations to you. But for the rest of us, we have to find ourselves before we can work towards that life. And usually that fantasy about the perfect life, with the perfect career…isn't really your dream. And you realize that a real life dream…is so much better.

I've spent months keeping every last feeling bottled inside. I knew that the second that they were let loose, everything was going to crumble. I've built this wall up to make sure that my broken life didn't show. I was shocked when Carly confronted me today. I wasn't prepared to face her and all of her questions. I knew she was bound to find out eventually. I just thought I would have more time to make a plan and figure my life out. She came out in true Carly fashion, not holding back with anything. I guess it has been a long time coming. She wanted to know everything that has happened in the past few months. From my college choice to my breakup with Freddie. I knew she couldn't hold off prying too much longer. I noticed her stand offish attitude since Freddie and I split. I didn't know why she was acting like that. If it was because she didn't want to be in the middle of us? Or if it was because she was scared she'd have to take sides? I know that we have all been afraid of being ripped apart forever. It's to be expected, though. Freddie and I aren't friends and we never will be again. For the time being, we are acting civil and basically avoiding confrontation. Because we know we don't have too much longer in Seattle and we don't want to ruin senior year for anybody. But it is a weird situation and it's not going to get any easier.

When Carly had found out about New York, I didn't know what to say. New York has been something we've planned on doing for as long as I could remember. I know how excited she's been about our impending move. Every time she brought it up, I wanted so badly to tell her the truth…I just couldn't. I couldn't tell her I blew my chance to go to an incredible school. I remember the day I realized Parsons was my dream school. I had found myself loving art and design when I was younger. I always kept it hidden, though. Except from Carly, who knows pretty much everything about me. Then, why couldn't I tell her the truth? When Freddie and I were planning next year in Massachusetts, we knew we'd eventually have to tell her. I told him about how much Carly really wanted to get into NYU. And we both were afraid that if she found out we were going to Massachusetts together, she'd feel like she should come too. I couldn't let her give up something so amazing. But now, everything is so screwed up. And no one knows what is going to happen.

The day that Freddie first brought up moving to Massachusetts to attend MIT, I thought it was so great because he's earned it. He told me it is his number one choice and it has been since he was 12 years old. I listened to him tell me about the school and what he wanted to do with his life. I wouldn't expect anything less from him. He is hardworking and motivated and any school in the world would accept someone that extraordinary. I was really happy that he'd chosen somewhere on the east coast, that way we'd still be able to see each other. I was about to tell him about Parsons and my plan to move to New York City with Carly, when he asked if I'd consider coming with him and attend the University of Massachusetts. At first, I thought he was joking. I couldn't believe he could really want to put up with me through college. But he was really serious, more serious than I've ever seen him. He told me how great it would be. We could be together away from all the craziness here and just be happy. The more he talked about it and what our lives could be like, the more I could picture myself there. In an instance, my whole life changed. I realized that maybe I really didn't want to go to Parsons. I saw my dream change and I was okay with that. I was actually excited about it. I knew that it wasn't the plan, but it was life…unexpected and incredible. Now, I wonder what is going to happen? Five months ago, I had two amazing places I belonged and now…I feel like I don't belong anywhere at all.

For months now, I thought about the day I would finally open up to Carly about everything that has been going on in my life lately. I thought that on that day, I would feel so relieved. I had spent so much time secretly dealing with all this pain. I really needed to finally let it out. I don't think I actually realized how much losing Freddie was really killing me. I never said any of those things out loud until Carly confronted me about it. I think I have just tried to push any lingering feeling out of my mind. As if our relationship wasn't abnormal enough, we have to deal with the daunting task of being around each other all the time. It would be a lot easier to move forward or at least try to, if we didn't see each other. That is the major downside of falling for your best friend. I wonder if moving on will ever be an option for me. Is there some part of me that doesn't want to ever move on? Of course, but I know that sooner or later he'll move forward. Whether it's next week or next month or next year, it is inevitable. And honestly, I don't know what I'll do when that day comes.

I think that even though I initiated the breakup, a part of me…a huge part of me, wanted Freddie to fight for us. To tell me that this was all a big mistake and we'd figure out a way to make our differences work. And that night, I saw it in his eyes…I saw his hope get lost. I saw the pain on his face and I swear you could actually hear his heart break. And then mine too. Then, all I wanted was to get out of there…when he said it. I wasn't sure what to do or say. It was the most amazing moment of my entire life. I don't think I ever thought that hearing someone say _I love you _could mean so much. But having Freddie say it, meant a million times more. Before I knew it, my heart led instead of my head and I was saying it back. A lot of things have happened between us over the years, who'd have ever thought that we would end up here? Not me that is for sure. But I'm glad it happened. I never knew that being in love with somebody could actually hurt. I just wish that that love…was enough. But I guess it wasn't. And it makes me wonder, if it ever will be? Or if this is truly the end for Freddie and I? Is there no turning back?

I admitted a lot of things to Carly tonight. I really do wish I could redo that night, but I can't. I wish I knew where I was going, but I don't. I want to know what is next for me and if I'm going to be okay. I feel like I don't have a place in this world and I don't know if I ever will. I'm going to go for that interview with Parsons. But I'm still not sure if that's what I want. Not because I don't like art anymore. Not because I'm feeling obligated to keep my promise to Carly. Maybe I was lying when I said this has nothing to do with my acceptance to UMass. I haven't heard yet, but if I get in…I wonder if I should go. Even if Freddie and I never find our way back to each other…maybe there's a reason I'm supposed to be there. Like maybe there's a reason I fell in love with Freddie. I don't really know. I guess, life will figure itself out. I just hope it's sooner, rather than later.

After I talked to Carly, I decided I needed to refuel before heading back to the apartment. I just don't think I was in the mood to hear one of Freddie's rants about us disappearing on him. And I really just needed a minute to think, alone. I had said a lot and I needed to figure out how to deal with it. I was walking back to the apartment, from the Groovy Smoothie, when I ran almost directly into my ex-boyfriend. He had just stormed out of the Shay's apartment, slamming the door behind him. I don't think I've actually seen him angry like this before. I knew something happened while I was gone and I couldn't ignore it…or him.

"Hey!" I yell as I watch him angrily storm across the hall.

"Sam?" He says quietly and a little surprised to see me.

"Are you okay?"

"Fine. Just, fine."

"No, you're not. Is this about Carly and I missing the show? Because that was totally my fault. So if you want to be mad, be mad at me."

"No, it's not about that. That's fine, whatever."

"Then, what is it? Unless you don't want to talk to me about it. Because then…"

"No, Sam. I want to talk to you. I want to ask you a very important question actually."

"Okay. What is it?"

"How on earth…have you been friends with Carly for so long? And not gone completely insane?"

"What?" I say, laughing at his question.

"No, seriously. How have you not wanted to kill her?"

"What did she do now?"

"She's just…she doesn't know how to back off from something."

"Tell me about it. She thinks that prying into everyone's life is her full time job. Trust me, I wish she wouldn't sometimes. But…sometimes you need that from her. She says she does it…"

"Because she cares." Freddie finishes my sentence, mocking Carly.

"Exactly." I say, laughing at his impression of her. "Sometimes she just pushes you over the edge."

"I know, right? She really needs to get a more interesting life. Then, maybe we could butt into her business."

"Oh please, she would never let that happen."

"Then, why does she feel like it's her obligation to do it to us?"

"I don't know. It's just who she is. Eventually you just get used to it."

"Maybe. I give you a lot of credit, dealing with that all these years." He says and then pauses and looks me in the eyes. And I feel that connection again. "Carly told me about Parsons."

"And there is the part where you want to kill her."

"Why'd you never tell me, Sam?"

"I was going to."

"When?"

"I don't know. I mean, I really wanted to the day you were telling me about MIT. But then…"

"I asked you to come with me Massachusetts."

"Yeah. And I figured there was no point in telling you then. I knew if I did…"

"I'd tell you to go?"

"Yeah."

"Of course you should go, Sam. It's your dream."

"It was." I say and look down. Not wanting to make eye contact with Freddie. "It was for the longest time. You know, Carly and I talked about moving to New York when we were like 10 years old. But…I'm not ten anymore. And I'm not so sure I belong there anymore."

"But I thought that was your dream?"

"Sometimes dreams change."

"And sometimes they don't." He says and we just look in each other's eyes. But then the moment is over and he continues. "I just can't believe you never told me about it. I thought we told each other everything."

"I'm sorry, Freddie."

"So, what are you going to do now?"

"I don't know. I don't know what to do anymore."

"Well, you know you could still go to UMass. Then, at least you'd still have a…"

"Friend?"

"Yeah." He says and then pauses for a moment before continuing. "We're not gonna be friends again, are we?"

"No. I wish we could be but I don't think that will ever be possible."

"Yeah, right."

"But hey, no matter what…I'm here. If you ever you know…want to talk? Or rant about Carly's nosey behavior."

"I will definitely be taking you up on that one." He says and we laugh for a minute. I look at him and realize exactly why I fell in love with him. And every single time I see those beautiful brown eyes, I know I can't let him go. But I won't ever tell him that.

"Alright. Well, I better go in there. She's probably wondering what happened to me."

"Right."

"Are you guys in like a fight?"

"No. I told her we're fine. She just…gets to me sometimes."

"Yeah, I know the feeling."

"Alright, well I guess I'll see you later."

"Yeah." I say and grab the doorknob when I turn back to Freddie. "Oh hey! I got you a smoothie. I almost forgot." I say, pointing to the travel tray with four smoothies in my hand.

"Thanks, Sam." He says and then grabs it from me. Our hands brush against each other and we stay like that for a moment and then go our separate ways.

As I watched Freddie walk into his apartment, I start to think about everything that has happened in the past few months. I realize that a lot can change in a year. Sometimes that can be an amazing thing. And sometimes it's not. I think of every moment, good, bad, and otherwise, that Freddie and I have spent together. The years have passed by and our relationship has escalated into something incredible. Tonight we admitted to each other that we'll always be more than friends. It hurt so much to actually say that out loud. I hate the fact that I can't run and tell him every single thing that happens in my life. Since he is the only person I would ever want to know all my secrets. I know that our lives are changing and there is nothing we can do to stop it. In a few months, we'll all be in different places in our lives. I won't see his face or hear his laugh. I won't hear him tell his nerdy, boring stories anymore. And I won't see his smile in the halls of school. I really don't know how I'm going to make it through without him around. A few years ago, I may have said he could leave town and I'd never miss him. Now, five years later, I think his absence just may kill me. Lately, I have been dreading having to see him because of how much it breaks my heart. But the truth is it kills me when he's not around. If I didn't see his face or listen to all those geeky quirks of his, I'd be more miserable than I am right now.

I cannot believe Carly told Freddie about Parsons. If I wanted him to know, I would have told him. I honestly don't know why I never said anything to him, all this time. I knew back when we were dating, that we'd be ripped apart if I told him about New York. But, what was stopping me now? Maybe I really am hoping things change and Freddie and I get back together. But the more time that passes, the more that thought feels like a dream and not a reality. I think I have to face the fact that nothing will ever be the same. Talking to him today, felt amazing. We had moments when I felt like we were back to the way we were last year. When he was my world and we could just be…us. No pressure or awkwardness, just Sam and Freddie. I guess I can hope and pray that something, anything changes before graduation. But I don't to get my hopes up too high.

I stood in that hallway for a few minutes after Freddie disappeared into his apartment. I don't know why exactly. Maybe I was hoping he would come back out and say he didn't want me to go to New York. That he wanted to work things out and have our lives be okay again. I wanted him to tell me we should fight for each other. And that he'd rather be alone than without me. Then again, that is only the daydream that I keep having. It's not real and I need to find a way to deal with that. I finally entered the Shay's apartment after I realize Freddie's not coming back, but I am really feeling like my heart is somewhere else.

"Sam? Where have you been?" Carly yells, as she is coming down the stairs.

"I was just…"

"Are those smoothies?" Spencer asks, interrupting.

"Yup, here you go." I say, handing it to him.

"Thanks."

"You've been gone like a half hour. There is no way it took you that long."

"Long line?"

"Uh huh, sure."

"Well, at least I wasn't off telling secrets about you."

"What are you talking about?"

"Why'd you tell Freddie about Parsons?" I yell at her.

"I…"

"I better go do the…bye." Spencer says, running into his room.

"Well? Why would tell him?" I say, turning my attention back to my issue with Carly.

"I just…I don't know. It just came out."

"Oh come on! Something like that doesn't just come out."

"How'd you even find out?"

"Freddie told me, just now…out in the hallway after he stormed out of here."

"Oh. Really? He said we were cool."

"Well he lied. What did you do to him?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, whatever you said to him…he's pretty peeved off about it."

"I just…I didn't mean to push him. I didn't realize I would upset him so much."

"Carly…sometimes you don't know when to stop."

"I know. But I wanted to know how he was. If he's been alright since you guys…you know. He really cares about you, Sam. And he's hurting right now, in the same way you are. I just thought that maybe I could help you guys."

"Carly, this isn't your problem. This isn't your life…you need to back off."

"I know and I didn't mean to meddle. That wasn't why I went up to talk to him."

"Then what did you go to talk about?"

"I just…I wanted him to know I was still his friend. I wanted him to be able to talk me again, like we all used to. But…I guess I crossed a line."

"You always do, Carly! Look, I understand you want things to be okay…but sometimes you need to let life work itself out. Whatever Freddie and I are going through…it's our issue."

"I know. And I'm sorry. I'll apologize to him, I promise. I don't want to make anything more difficult than it already is."

"Yeah, I know. It's just how you are."

"So, he's really mad?"

"He'll get over it. Even after all these years, he's still isn't used to your meddling ways."

"Surprisingly. But I guess, I've never really meddled in his life before now."

"I guess that's true. I mean, it's not like he's ever had the most interesting life in the world."

"Yeah, I mean…what was I gonna do? Tell him not to go hang out with his A.V. nerds?"

"Exactly. Although, maybe you should. Some of those losers are the worst."

"I know. Do they honestly only talk about tech stuff?"

"Pretty much. And it is brutal to be around them for even five minutes."

"True fact. I'll have to meddle and get him to drop those losers."

"Good idea. Because he's not really taking to this new interest of yours in his personal life."

"Right. I'll try to back off."

"Yeah, right. But since you brought it up…how is he really?"

"I'm guessing you didn't talk too much before."

"Not really. Not about anything important."

"Well…he's not doing too great. I mean, he love you Sam. There's no getting past something like that, really."

"Yeah, I know. Carly…do you ever think…" I start, but am interrupted by my phone ringing. I look at the caller I.D. and am surprised. "Speaking of the devil…it's Freddie. That's weird, he never calls me anymore. Hello?" I say, answering after a few more rings.

"Hey, Sam." Freddie says, on the phone.

"Freddie, what's up?"

"Are you still at Carly's?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Alright. Well…could you come over to my apartment?"

"Uh…"

"I want to give you something."

"Okay. Um…I'll be there in a few."

"Alright, see you then."

"Okay." I say and hang up. I stare ahead, thinking about what Freddie could want.

"What was that about?" Carly asks, interrupting my thoughts.

"Um, I don't know. He wants me to come over."

"Really?"

"Yeah….weird, right? He says he wants to give me something."

"Hmm…well you better go."

"Yeah, I'm going." I say, not moving from the spot where I'm standing.

"You do know you have to actually walk there, right?"

"I know."

"Then, why are you hesitating?"

"It's just…we haven't really been alone together since we broke up."

"What about earlier? Up in the studio?"

"Well, yeah. But that was for like two minutes. And we were just making small talk."

"Well, what about in the hallway a few minutes ago?"

"That was just to rant about you."

"Hey!"

"But we haven't like really _talked_ since…that night."

"Well, it's about time you do…don't you think? You can't avoid each other for the rest of your lives and pretend nothing's wrong. Whether you want to or not, the lingering sexual tension will not vanish. And frankly it's driving everyone around you insane. So, go. Work things out with the man you love."

"I don't know…alright. You're right. It's time…and he sounded serious. I wonder what it could be."

"You'll never know, if you don't get over there."

"You're right. I'll see you later." I say and head towards the door.

"Hey, Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't be nervous. I mean, you're Sam Puckett….nothing makes you nervous. And it's just you and Freddie. It's always been natural for you guys."

"Yeah, I know you're right. But things are so different now…I don't know what to expect."

"Good luck."

"Thanks." I say and walk out the door and across the hall. But I hesitate before knocking.

I can't believe I am saying this, but…Carly's right. Freddie and I have always had an extremely easy, carefree relationship, friendship or otherwise. So, why am I so nervous now? It's not like I have anything to be afraid of. I mean, it's just Freddie. But right now, I'm feeling all girly and weak. I really hate this feeling. I've never been nervous to see him before. Oh, except for that time I kissed him and ran away. I didn't think I'd ever be able to look him in the eye again. I was so afraid after that happened. I valued his friendship so much at that point and I was scared it was gone forever. Although, that turned out to be the best decision I have ever made. I really wish I could go back there right now, actually. Just for a moment. But, I can't.

Now, I am standing in front of his door…scared of what he's going to say. I wonder if it will be awkward? Or light and easy? I've never once held back my feelings from Freddie. I've been harsh and upfront every time. Maybe we should just get everything out in the open, while we are finally alone. It would be a long time coming. But I guess before I get ahead of myself, I better knock on his door already and face the music. I finally find the courage to knock after several more minutes of standing there frozen. And my dark haired ex-boyfriend almost immediately answers the door. Like, he had been standing there waiting. He probably was looking through the peep hole, like he used to do back when he was Carly's stalker. I slightly laugh at that thought of how our lives have changed in the past few years. I never thought back then we would end up together and feeling this way.

"Hey!" He says and smiles that gorgeous smile at me and I feel my heart melt all over again. He always has this effect on me. "Um, thanks for coming over."

"Of course." I say and we stay looking at each other for a few moments. Whatever it is that we have been avoiding is over now. It is now or never. I have _nothing to lose _now, but everything to gain.


	5. Does this feel right?

Chapter 5: Does this feel right?

**Freddie's POV**

These past few hours have been completely insane. There is absolutely nothing that seemed to be going right today. I opened up, as much as I physically could, today. That is a big step, I suppose, after three months of silence and denial. It has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. So, letting at least some of my pain out was a good thing. But if that's true then, why am I feeling like this? I would think that after spilling my guts to Spencer and some to Carly, I should feel relieved or free of this weight on my chest. But it seems to be the complete opposite. Actually talking about what happened between Sam and I should have helped me have some sort of indication that I can possibly, at some point…move forward with my life. Instead, I feel in more pain than ever. Today is probably the most we've talked to each other in weeks without Carly being there. And even though it was a tad awkward, it made me feel close to her again. Even if it was only for a few minutes, but it was really incredible. It made me see how much I really do miss the friendship we once shared. Yet, that feels like it was a million years ago. I can't even remember how we were ever friends. I know we fought and made digs at each other…but everything else seems to missing in my memory. I want to be her friend again. I want to disagree and laugh and…just be normal. We used to be so open and honest with each other. I was never afraid of anything when she was around. But now…I have to watch every word that comes out of my mind, so she doesn't see how much pain I'm holding back. And as much as I hate to admit it, I'm afraid that's how it's always going to be now.

When Carly called me out on my lingering feelings for Sam before, I was caught completely off guard. Deep down I know that the feelings I have for Sam have not wavered in the past three months. I've never let go of my love for Sam, but I don't think I was quite ready to admit that. I know that I should have talked to someone about this before now, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I think that a part of me has been living with the hope that someday Sam and I would make things right again. Honestly I think that was just some stupid wishful thinking on my part. Carly definitely crossed the line with me today. I've never yelled at her like that before, but then again she's never really pried like that before either. I know that she wants to help in her own weird way. But she's avoided the subject completely for months and then out of the blue… she wants to act like she's there for me. It didn't sit right with me. She's been a great friend in the past, but this is not her concern. I've held all those truths in for the longest time and I never planned on admitting them out loud to anybody. Now that I did, I'm sort of glad I did. I learned a lot these past few months. Yet, the thing I learned the most is that you can't live in a fantasy world. Things don't always work their way out in the end. And destiny really doesn't exist, even if you want it to. I think Carly was a little surprised to hear me say it, but I'm glad I said it.

Learning Sam's secret about going to college in New York definitely took me by surprise. I spent so much time telling her about my dream school, and she never once mentioned her dreams. Then again, I never asked her directly. I never took the time to really see if she had dreams or plans for the next few years. All I wanted was to be with her and for her to come with me. I guess that's why I can't really be mad at her for hiding Parsons from me. I'm just really torn of what to do now. I want to go to her and force her to take the opportunity and move to the city. But another part of me, a selfish part of me, wants to convince her to move to Massachusetts. Even if we don't get back together, it doesn't mean I don't want her to be close to me. I think that she needs to follow her heart and do what will really make her happy. That is all I've ever really cared about…Sam's happiness. She seems as confused as ever of what that really is. But I know she'll find her way, she always does.

After I left Sam in the hallway today, I found myself smiling for the first time in a while. And it felt really good. It made me realize the effect this girl could still have on me, but in such a good way. Today, Sam and I were honest with each other again. It felt almost as if we were making some progress, only to have us both admit that our friendship is over. Even though that hurts, I'm glad we were finally able to admit that. When I walked back into my apartment, I saw the pile of mail for me my mom left on the table. I sifted through the advertisements and then came across two letters from college. I looked at where they were from and knew there was one person that needed to be here too. As much as I know Sam and I will never be able to just hang out again, maybe we can share one last thing together. Sam was by my side when I filled out this application to MIT and I think she needs to be here when I open up this letter. I was really nervous to actually call her and tell her to come over, but I knew I had to. She agreed to come over right away, and that made me scared and nervous and happy, all at the same time. Yet, I'm starting to think that maybe that's a good thing. I hear the knock at the door a few minutes later and I jump up quickly, running to the door. I open the door, revealing my beautiful blonde ex-girlfriend. She looks a little nervous too and that eases my nerves a little.

"Hey." I say, staring a moment too long at Sam. "Um, thanks for coming over."

"Of Course. It seemed important. Plus, it's not like I could make up an excuse not to come, since you did just see me go into Carly's."

"True. I just wasn't sure you'd want to come over…alone with me."

"Look, it's about time we attempt to put all the stuff that's happened behind us. I told you I'd be here if you needed me…so here I am."

"Well, I'm glad. Come on in." I tell her, stepping aside and letting her walk through the door.

"So, is your crazy mother here?"

"No, she's working."

"You know, she'd kill you if she knew I was here…and she wasn't."

"Yeah, murder sounds brutal, especially from my mother. She actually scares me sometimes. But…it's worth the risk." I tell her, making eye contact. "Plus, she needs to learn to trust me at some point."

"Please, that is not going to happen. She's probably going to trail you right to school next year."

"Yeah, I know. Speaking of, that's kinda why I wanted you to come over."

"To talk about your crazy mother? I mean, I have no problem with that. I could probably think of some good insults for her."

"Oh, I'm sure you can." I say, slightly laughing at her comments about my mother. "But, no, this isn't about my mother."

"Okay, then, what's up?"

"This." I say, holding up the envelope for her.

"Oh my god, is that your acceptance letter?"

"Possibly."

"You didn't open it?"

"I don't know if I'm ready to."

"Why not?"

"Because…this is it. This is everything. This holds my future. This holds my lifelong dream. And…it could all disappear in one second."

"Oh come on, Freddie. You know you got in. You are the smartest person I have ever known, they'd be complete morns to reject you."

"Thanks for the encouragement, Sam. But…that doesn't change whatever is in this envelope."

"But you'll never know what that is until open it."

"I guess. I just need a few more minutes before I do."

"Okay, I understand. I kind of feel the same way about getting mine from Parsons."

"So, how are you dealing with it?"

"I'm just…I know that even if I didn't get in, I tried. I know I'm good enough and if they don't see that, then whatever. Plus, I know it isn't my only option. Just like MIT isn't yours."

"You're right. Speaking of other options…I have something for you too."

"Alright, what is it?"

"Here. It's your letter from UMass." I tell her and hand the envelope. "I almost forgot you used this address for that, so nobody would know you were applying to go with me."

"Yeah, wow. I forgot I did that too. I haven't really thought about it in a while."

"I know. But no matter what that says…I think if you get in you should go to Parsons, Sam."

"Freddie, look…"

"No, it's where you belong. It's your dream. And nothing in the world should stand in the way of that."

"It _was _my dream. Now, I'm not so sure."

"Yeah, you are. Dreams don't change just because you want them to. They're always there. Like how MIT is to me…and Parsons is to you."

"I don't know…maybe. But, when I started to really think about it, I think I could be happy at UMass too. And that scares me to open this now. Wow, I know how you're feeling right now."

"Alright, how about this? We open them at the same time. Whatever happens…happens. Deal?" I ask her and put my hand out to shake hers.

"Uh…alright, deal." She agrees, and shakes my hand. When she touches me, I never want to let go. I stare down at our hands, and suddenly realize I've held on a moment too long. I pull back, quickly, not making eye contact with her.

"Okay, on the count of three. One…two…"

"Wow. You're such a nerd, Benson."

"Thanks. That's why I applied to a tech school" I tell her, tearing the envelope open and Sam opens hers. "Three."

"True. Alright, what does it say?" She asks while looking down at the papers in her hand.

"I…I got in. Oh my god, I can't believe it. I never actually thought this would happen. I'm going to MIT."

"Yes! See, I knew you could do it. You're going to MIT!"

"I'm going to MIT!" I say again, still not believing it. I pull Sam into the hug she was offering me. At this moment, I'm happier than I have been in months. I just got the news I've waited my whole life for, while I'm holding the woman I love in my arms. It's like everything is right in the world…just for this moment. After a few minutes of staying like that, oblivious to anything else, I pull away from Sam. "Sorry. What about you? What does it say?"

"I got in too. Wow, I really didn't think I would." She says, looking down at the letter.

"Of course you did, Sam. This is amazing!"

"It is. It really is, now that it's a reality. Now, I really don't know what I should do."

"I don't know. But tonight…we don't have to worry about that. How about we celebrate together?"

"Just the two of us?"

"Yeah. This was our secret for months. It's time we celebrate actually pulling it off. Plus, it might be nice to just forget about all the drama for a night."

"Okay. You're right. We need this…we deserve this."

"We do!" I say, hugging her and picking her up, spinning her around. For a moment things feel like they used to. Like, maybe everything isn't as screwed up as we thought. After a few more moments, I reluctantly put her down and pull away. But when I do, something's different. Our eyes lock and we can't pull away.

"It's still there." She comments, barely above a whisper but I hear her.

"What?"

"It's never gonna go away, is it? You and me."

"I don't think so. I guess, a part of me hoped it would because it would make things easier. But it's not going to. And…I don't think I want to."

"Freddie, I owe you an apology."

"For what?"

"How everything happened between us."

"Sam…it's okay. Let's just forget about it for now. And just celebrate our accomplishments tonight."

"I know and I want to. But I've been holding back for a long time and maybe it's time I told you the truth."

"Alright, fine. We've avoided confrontation for long enough, we can take a little time and finally get everything out in the open."

"Yeah, I think so too. I'm sorry, Freddie. For everything."

"Sam…"

"No, I need to say this. I handled things terribly and I can't take it back. That night…I saw everything that we went through flash in my mind. The good things. The bad things. And that made me happy, because I wouldn't take back any of it."

"Neither would I."

"Everything that happened that night was my fault. I was completely selfish. I stood in that elevator with you, and all I thought about was, how long can this last? We're Sam and Freddie. We battle each other at every turn. We're dysfunctional. And I realize now…maybe that's just who we are. Who we'll always be. And maybe that's good thing."

"It is. For us, anyway. Anyone else would think it was insane."

"I know. But I didn't. I was just scared, Freddie."

"Scared of what?"

"Getting hurt. I was scared that if we stayed together, and went through senior year and went off to college next year…it was just a matter of time"

"A matter of time before what?"

"You're an amazing guy, Freddie. You're smart and funny and kind. It's only a matter of time before someone realizes that. And I thought that it was only a matter of time before _you _realized that you're everything I'm not. So, I thought I'd end it before that happened. Before I got hurt."

"Sam, you are so wrong. You are so intelligent and hysterical and beautiful. The list could go on forever of…why I love you. Of why I would never hurt you."

"Not intentionally. But I know you…you're Freddie Benson. And you're going to be somebody great in this world. I didn't want to hold you back."

"You could never hold me back. You could only make me a better man. You have to know that. If I didn't believe that, I never would've asked you to come with me next year."

"And you have to know that I was selfish…and I'm sorry if I hurt you."

"Sam…I love you."

"Freddie, you don't…."

"No, you got to say what you wanted me to know. Now, I'm gonna tell you what I want you to know. "

"Okay, fine."

"I've spent months trying to pretend it doesn't exist…that it never did. But it's not going to go away and I know that. These past few months have been absolute hell for me. I hate that I have to see you every day. That I have to attempt to be your friend and just your friend again. It kills me that I walked away without a fight. I regret everything that happened that night. And I know that nothing I do can take that back now. I love you, Sam. And even if that never changes anything between us, you need to know that I will always love you. No matter what happens."

"Thanks for saying that. But…I don't deserve it."

"Why not? What if I want to fight for you?"

"Why would want to do that? You just got the news you've waited for your whole life…why would want a weight holding you down?"

"Sam…you have never been a weight in my life. You may be the only thing that has ever lifted my life up." I tell her, as I move closer to her. "But you still don't believe me, do you?" She doesn't say anything, but I can tell she doesn't. "Well, I'm gonna prove it to you."

"Freddie, I think it may be time that we just let this go. Once and for all."

"Is that what you want?"

"I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. I just think it's what we both need."

"No, it's not. There is a reason we are standing here having this conversation right now. It's because we both know that what happened wasn't the right decision."

"Freddie…"She starts to say and before I let her give me some lame excuse not to do this. I suddenly decide to risk everything and kiss her. I don't think I realized how much I have really missed this. But the second our lips touch, that connection and every feeling we ever had comes flooding back. I know she's feeling it too, because she doesn't pull back. After about a minute, she finally pulls away. "You shouldn't have done that, Freddie."

"Why not?"

"Because…we're not…this isn't how it is anymore. We can't pretend it is."

"Why can't we? Because this feels right again…and you know it."

"Maybe." She says, barely above a whisper. "That doesn't mean it the right thing to do. This feels…" I cut her off again, pulling her in again. And it seems like she is finally giving into her emotion because I can feel it getting more intense. After a few minutes, I lead her to my bedroom door…never breaking away from her lips, until she does. "Your mom will really kill you if she knew I was anywhere near your room."

"Well, my mom's not here…is she? And…it's worth the risk." I admit, crashing my lips into hers and closing the door behind me. Everything that has happened these past few months, all the pain and heartache, it suddenly is washed away. And for the first time since that fateful night…I feel happy again. And nothing can ruin that, even if it's just for tonight.


	6. What happened last night?

Chapter 6: What happened last night?

**Sam's POV**

Life can be pretty unpredictable sometimes. There are a ridiculous amount of moments that make you question everything in your life. I think it is extremely difficult to actually stop and be grateful for some of the really important ones. Honestly, I don't think I ever have been, not once, my entire life. And there have been plenty of times where I've regretted not doing exactly that. Because I have finally grasped the fact that in a single minute, it could all be gone. I've struggled these last few months with changing that horrible habit of mine. I realized just a little too late, that I didn't take the time to appreciate every moment I ever shared with Freddie during our relationship. Out of the blue sometimes, I've been finding myself trying to remember a particular day or a certain feeling during that time together. Yet, I keep coming up a tad short in recovering those memories. Sure, we had a lot of ups and downs, but we certainly had a lot of amazing times together as well. Maybe my problem lately has been the sole fact that I've been holding onto that guilt in the back of my mind. I know that all this pain is my own fault and I have to live with the fact that I broke someone else's heart too. I think that is the hardest thing I have ever admitted. Although, I may be on the brink of letting all of that go for good.

Today has been one of the craziest days of my life. I confronted my feelings on a lot levels today, and I still am not sure what to do. I never thought I would ever reveal my true feelings of what really happened between Freddie and I three months ago. I knew in my heart that night, while staring into his pain filled eyes, that I was destroying an amazing guy's world. At the time I didn't care too much. Actually, it's more like I wanted to pretend I didn't. I know that if I listened to my heart that night, I never would've gone through with the breakup. So, I didn't listen. I just ran away from everything I ever wanted. I ran away from a future. I ran away from happiness. And I ran away from the only person I ever really loved. That was the most selfish thing I ever could have done. And it ended up breaking every part of me…but I knew that I had to do it. Freddie is way too great of a guy to be with somebody as screwed up as I am. He deserves so much better. And if letting him go, allows him to see that than maybe it's worth the pain in the end. Because the truth is…all I really want is for Freddie to be happy. I want him to have the whole world. He's going to get that by going to college without me. Yet, I still can't shake the feeling that Freddie won't ever actually accept that that is for the best. And I'm not so sure, that if he asked right this minute…I wouldn't go running to Massachusetts with him. Although, that would make all this completely worthless.

Earlier today, when Freddie asked me to come over, I have to admit I was more than a little surprised. He has spent the past three months avoiding being alone with me. So, why would he want to now? I couldn't seem to find a reason. But I also knew that I couldn't say no. No matter what has happened between us, we have always been there for each other. And that is not about to change now. He sounded a little weird on the phone, and I wasn't sure if it was because he was nervous about calling me or something else. I didn't care, I headed over there anyways. When I got there, I tried as hard as possible to avoid any awkwardness between us. Yet, when you're hanging out with your ex…that is nearly impossible. Luckily, I was able to keep that under control by making a few digs at his insane mother. And even better, he can actually enjoy that and admit his mother is beyond crazy. The truth is, I make fun of him for his overbearing mom but…I really wish I had that in my life. Someone to care what I'm doing and if I'm going to be alright. My mother never has been very involved in my life…and it makes me a little jealous when I see other people having that. I'd never admit that, though. Not even to Freddie.

I have to say, I was really surprised to hear Freddie tell me he got his letter from MIT today and the fact the he didn't have the courage to open it. I get it, though. This is something he has dreamed about his entire life. If it was taken away in this one instant…it would have been devastating. Yet, I was shocked that he had wanted me here when he finally opened it. For a moment, I felt like we were back to being us again. He trusted me and he needed me…and that was one of the best feelings in the world. I had completely forgotten that I didn't use my own address for my application to the University of Massachusetts. At the time, we thought it would be a good idea. That way Carly wouldn't have a possibility of finding out that I may not be joining her next year like we planned. Of course, I never told Freddie that part. I just didn't want her to just so happen to at my house on the day the letter came and see it before I had the chance to tell her the truth. Thankfully, she is too freaked out of Mrs. Benson to ever step foot anywhere near this apartment. Although, none of that matters now that I came clean with her. When Freddie finally opened the letter and found out he got in…I felt happier than I have in months. I saw his dream coming true right in front of me. And after hearing him talk about it for such a long time, I knew it was the only place he truly belonged. When he hugged me, in celebration of his accomplishment, I felt all of my feeling for him come rushing back. It just hit me all at once…and it was overwhelming. It's not like they ever really diminished, but for the first time in a while they felt stronger than ever. And being wrapped in his arms again…I felt so safe. Safer than I ever have been my entire life. And I didn't ever want to let him go. Although, I didn't want things to get weird, so I reluctantly backed off.

Reading the paper I was holding, revealing my own fate, I realized exactly how Freddie was feeling. I can't actually believe they accepted me. I'm not super smart or possessing a long list of accomplishments…so, why would they want me? I guess, it doesn't matter because the fact is they do. And that is all that counts. When Freddie suggested we spend the night together, just us, celebrating our future I was a little surprised. We haven't so much as spent ten minutes alone in months. But I really wanted to, so I agreed to it. Celebrating his excitement some more, he picked me up and spun me around. For a minute, it was like we never broke up. Like, we haven't been scurrying around each other's feeling or avoiding confrontation…we were just us. And it felt so good, if only for a moment. When he put me back down, I couldn't break the eye contact with him. Our connection in that one moment was as undeniable as ever. I realized that this may be my only chance to finally get everything out in the open. To tell him exactly how I've been feeling these past three months…and that I'm sorry. I hesitated at first, because I didn't want to mess up anything, but I snapped out of it quick. Because I knew this could be my only chance to make things right and admit that everything that's happened is my fault…not his.

I knew that telling Freddie the truth was the right thing to do, but that doesn't I wasn't scared to. Yet, I knew I had to properly apologize for causing him pain. I knew he only went along with the breakup because he thought it was what I wanted. Not because he actually thought it was the right decision. And even though, he insisted he wanted to just drop the whole thing for tonight…I couldn't do that. I have waited long enough to tell him everything. When I starting thinking back, in that moment, about our relationship…I really wished I could erase these past few months. I admitted for the first time, just how selfish I really was. How I never stopped to think about Freddie's feelings. Right there, I completely let my guard down, the way I only can with him, and told him just how afraid I was of him leaving me. I confessed that I thought once we got to college, he'd see that there were a lot of better options out there than me. So, I ran before I could let that happen. Of course, being the gentleman that Freddie is, assured me he never could've done that and that I encourage him to be a better person. I really wasn't sure whether I should believe him or not. I wanted to but I was in the same place I was three months ago. I was scared of letting him all the way into my heart again. Or have him see the real me. That's when he said it again. He told me he loved me and suddenly everything that happened, everything that I did…vanished. All I wanted to do was run back into his arms and tell him that I made the biggest mistake of my entire life. But I held back as he continued to reveal his own feelings. Hearing him admit that he would always love me, even if we never got back together, made me see that I let go of the greatest guy in the world. And knowing that…was breaking my heart even more now.

A part of me thought about running away again, before he opened up about anything else. Or before I told him what I was really feeling in that moment. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't move, actually, I just watched him contently right in front of me. I felt my wall begin to build up and I didn't know if he could knock it back down. I tried to convince him that maybe it was time we walked away for good, move on with our lives. Even though that wasn't really the truth. And that was when I felt his lips crashing into mine. I didn't know what to think exactly. But right then, I didn't think about anything…I just kissed him back. Enjoying the moment and not thinking about what was going to happen next. And that felt so good. Not worrying about saying the right thing or doing the right thing…just embracing my feelings. Soon, my head brought me back to reality and I realized what I was doing and pulled away. I didn't want to, though. I was afraid that if I gave in though, I'd be back feeling insecure and weak…the way I was three months ago. But then Freddie kissed me again and I didn't care about any of that. I love him and no matter how much I try to deny that…it's still true. As things started to escalate, I realize just how much I really have missed him all this time. And how I don't want this moment to ever end. Although that only lasts a few minutes before I began to think about what would happen if Freddie's mom came home right now. He said he'd risk his own murder for me and I decided, he was worth it too. As he closed his bedroom door behind us, I knew that whatever was going to happen now was up to fate.

"Freddie? Wait…" I say, as I push him against the back of his door, keeping a tight grip on his shoulders.

"What is it?"

"What's happening here?"

"I don't know. But, maybe for tonight we don't need to worry about that. We've spent months not knowing the right thing to do or say…but right here and now, it doesn't matter. It's just us, Sam." He tells me, barely above a whisper and I know that it is true.

"Yeah, you're right." I say, pushing my lips against his again. We move further in to the room and I push him on his bed, and then I fall on top of him…engulfing his mouth again. After a few more minutes of making out, I pull at his shirt to lift it up and he breaks away, looking at me.

"Are you sure, Sam?"

"More than ever."

"Me too." He assures me, and I lift his shirt over his head and he does the same to me. Then, suddenly his lips are crashing back into mine.

I wasn't entirely a hundred percent sure this was the right thing to do, but in the moment it felt right. I felt connected to him in a way I never had before, and that was amazing. I knew that this would change everything, friendship or otherwise, but I didn't care. Even if this didn't mean we'd get back together, or have a future…we would still share something forever. I've thought about this a million times, and the only person I ever imagined it with was Freddie. Although, I never thought we'd wait until we were broken up to finally do it. I mean, the first time is supposed to be the start of forever. This was supposed to mean the future was all about us. This didn't feel that way. It didn't feel like the end, necessarily, but not knowing the future of us at all made it a little weird. That thought only lasted a minute, before I refocused myself on him and what was about to happen. I was okay with all the uncertainty, because this was the man I loved. And no matter what happened next, I knew he'd always protect me and this would be something special that was just between us. In pure Freddie fashion, he had to ask me if this is what I really wanted. I knew he would before he let anything happen, because that is just the kind of guy he is. I answered quickly, assuring him of my decision, and pulled him back down on top of me.

Afterwards, we just laid in his bed together. I left my head resting on his chest, while he ran a finger through a few strands of my hair and held me close to him. I felt closer to him right now than I ever did throughout our entire relationship and I didn't want this feeling to ever go away. I wanted to remember this feeling forever, never letting him go. Neither one of us said a word. It was partly to avoid the awkwardness that was sure to come along with what just happened. But mostly, it was just because we didn't want to ruin the night by talking about it…or what it meant. We both knew, though, even if we didn't say it. I just stayed like that listening to the sound of his heartbeat, and realized it may just be the most beautiful sound in the world. Eventually, we fell asleep like that…and I was happier and safer than I ever had been. I knew that nothing could ever ruin this memory, and that was really comforting.

The next morning, I woke up as the sun shined through the bedroom window and Freddie's arm was still protectively wrapped around me. I kept my eyes shut a few minutes longer, not wanting to wake up and face the music about everything that happened last night. I was scared of what might happen now. I wondered what was going through Freddie's mind and if this actually meant something. Did I want it to mean something? Of course I did. But, did he? I had a million questions that I dreaded ever bringing up, but I knew that it was inevitable. Eventually, though, I found the courage to finally open my eyes and look over at him. He was still asleep, and somehow looked hotter than ever. My feelings were clear and fresh in my mind. Nothing had changed, not that I expected them to. I just was really wishing this wasn't going to be an awkward morning…although I knew that wasn't possible. After a couple of minutes, Freddie began to stir and I knew this was the moment of truth. He opened his beautiful brown eyes and looked at me, and I was afraid I might actually get completely lost in them. And the last thing I wanted was to act like some girly sap about all of this. Yet, that might just be impossible.

"Hey." Freddie said, smiling over at me.

"Hey."

"Crazy night, huh?"

"You could say that." I say, smiling back at him.

"Sam…"

"Look, Freddie, I really don't want this to be awkward." I blurted out, trying to completely honest with him.

"Oh I know, me neither. But…is that possible?"

"I don't know. I hope so. Freddie, do you…" I start, but am quickly interrupted.

"Fredward? Freddie, you better be up." I hear Mrs. Benson, yelling outside the door.

"Oh my god, your mother! If she finds me here…like _this…_she'll kill both of us."

"I know! And you how I said I wasn't afraid of my mother…yeah, I lied." Freddie told me, panicking about his mother coming in the room at that moment.

"Me too. Um…okay, you get dressed. Then get out there and get her out of that living room, so I can get the hell out of this apartment before she figures out I'm here."

"How on earth am I supposed to do that?"

"I don't know, she's your mother. I'm sure you'll think of something."

"Yeah, you're right." He says, while quickly throwing on his clothes that were scattered on the floor. "Okay…um…I'm trying to think. Okay, I'm just going to wing it. Be careful, Sam."

"You too."

"And Sam..."

"Not now! Just go!" I whisper and hope he can just figure a way out of this.

Absolutely nothing in the past few hours has gone the way I thought it would. I didn't plan last night, but that doesn't mean I would ever take it back. I know that it could have been more magical and premeditated, but that's not real life. Actually, having Freddie be spontaneous for the first time in his entire life…was really sexy. That was before we woke up and the sound of Mrs. Benson's horrid voice filled the apartment. I figured I would be long gone before she ever came home from her work. And I gotta say, I don't think I've ever been as scared as I was in that moment. I just had to trust that Freddie was able to make sure we didn't get caught. And trusting him is not always my strong suit. But, it's all I had in that moment.

"Mom? Hey, your home early, aren't you?" I can hear Freddie say to his mother outside the door.

I grab my clothes off the floor, rushing to put them back on. Then, I go to the door to listen for when the coast was clear. I can hear Mrs. Benson saying something crazy to Freddie, before he talks her into going into her bedroom. I slowly open the door and peer out to make sure I can make a run for it. I see Freddie at the end of the hall, mouthing for me to go now. I quickly run to the front door and am out in the hallway, and running into the Shay's apartment as fast as I can. Finally, when I close the door behind me I can breathe a sigh of relief. If only for a moment, before I am met by a pair of confused eyes.

"Sam?" Carly asked, as I walked away from the door.

"Morning, Carls!"

"Are you alright?"

"What? Yeah, what do you mean?"

"Well, you look a bit disheveled. Plus, you're wearing the clothes you were yesterday. Sam, did you fall asleep in the park again?"

"No, why? I just…liked this outfit. So…I thought…I'd wear again."

"Yeah, okay I'll believe that. You just looked like you were being chased. Oh no…you're not running from the cops again, are you?"

"No, why would you think that? And that only happened like once…or twice at most."

"Uh huh. So, what happened to you last night?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, trying to act innocent.

"Well, you left here to go talk to Freddie…but you never called me to tell me how went."

"Oh, yeah…I…forgot? I didn't think it was that important."

"Well, it was. How'd it go? What happened last night, Sam?"

"I…nothing. Nothing happened. Nothing." I said, probably acting a little too suspicious.

"Okay, then where were you?"

"I…" I began to say, when there was a knock on the door. "If that's Mrs. Benson, tell her I moved to Canada."

"Mrs. Benson? What did you do to her now?"

"Nothing. Look, I'll tell you later. Just cover for me." I said, running towards the kitchen door.

"Wait, Sam…what about school?"

"I'll meet you there." I told her, as I closed the door behind me.

The last thing I needed this morning was to hear Freddie's crazy mother lecture me. Or face Freddie about everything, because it was most likely him on the other side of that door. Either way, I just needed to get out of there. So, I ran as fast as I could. My house seemed like the greatest place in the world, for the first time ever. So, I headed home to change and get ready for what I anticipate to be a long day. I really did want to get out of that questioning conversation with Carly as well. I know she will continue to beg for information about what happened with Freddie. And right now, I don't need her pushing. Since, I don't even know the answer to that. Not until, Freddie and I actually talk and trust me I am dreading that one. What do you even say after something like this? It seems like an impossible conversation to have, one I am not prepared for yet. But I know it is inevitable between Freddie and I eventually. Yet, for now I just keep the memory of last night in my mind and don't worry about what could happen next.


	7. Until I Try

Chapter 7: Until I Try

**Freddie's POV**

My life has a way of going from normal to insane in what seems like five minutes. There just seems to be so many unexpected things happening to me lately. I wish I had a way to prepare for all of the ups and downs I seem to experience, but that's not life I guess. The past few months have definitely made me realize that change is normal. It is expected. And it is scary. Three months ago, I walked away from the only person I ever truly loved…and it has kept me spinning ever since. It's shown me the true meaning of heartache and darkness. I never told anybody, but I have spent a lot of time mulling over my regrets recently. Sam and I had a crazy, intense relationship. It kept me on my toes many times, while showing me what true happiness could really feel like. When Sam suddenly suggested we go our separate ways, I didn't fight it. At the time, I thought that was for the best. I figured that if I pushed her to make our differences work, she'd resent it. And then things would have really been ruined forever. So, I backed off…and have regretted that decision ever since. But, maybe all of that is about to be erased now.

The past 24 hours have definitely taken a turn for the unexpected. If you had told me that yesterday would be one of the most eventful days of my life…I never would have believed you. The day took a lot out of me and left me questioning a lot of things about my life. When I called Sam to come over, it was strictly to talk about college. I guess in the back of my mind, it was never about that at all. I mean, I didn't necessarily need her here to open that letter. But I knew I would have the possibility of staring at the envelope for days without her encouragement. Plus, we started this journey together…it didn't seem right to do it without her now. When she started to apologize for her mistakes in our breakup, I felt like such a fool. As she was talking, I realized what I never did before. I realized for the very first time, that all those months ago…she _did_ want me to tell her no, she wanted me to fight for her. When I didn't…she gave up. I never really saw that kind of pain in her eyes before, and I can tell you I never want to see it again. I could tell she felt guilty about how it all went down. I saw her want closure, maybe her chance to move on. But then something happened, I saw her slipping away forever at the point of no return. So, all those feelings I bottled up…all the things I never said, came pouring out all at once. It felt good to finally be honest with Sam, but a part of me kept wondering whether she really needed to hear it or not. I mean, she knew how I felt all those months ago. Nothing has changed, but it sure did give me some relief. At least for a moment.

I feel like I act on impulse a little more than I should. My head is always telling me one thing, and my heart another. Maybe I should start listening to my head more, but I never actually think that's the logical thing to do. Even though it probably is. I never used to be like that, though. I used to be sensible and rationale, not doing anything without planning it out in great detail….that is before I started going out with Sam. She brought out this whole new side of me, and it changed my outlook on a lot of things. Sometimes that's good…and sometimes it's not so good. Last night, I was looking into her eyes as she tried to let go for good and I knew it was a now or never situation. So, I kissed her without thinking twice about it. And it was the absolute best feeling I've had in months. Everything seemed to be in its right place in that moment. For a second, she questioned her decision to kiss me back. I didn't want her to think that this was a mistake…so I told her I'd fight for her. I may be three months too late for that, but it is definitely worth a shot. That was when she was completely on the fence of either walking away for good or giving me another chance. She gave in to her feelings, and I gave into mine. And it ended up in a place I never expected.

When I used to think about my first time, I definitely pictured it being with Sam. Of course, that was back when we were dating and I felt like we were gonna last forever. But never in a million years did I expect to end up in this situation now. We have barely spoken in months and last night we did for the first time. We were happy and I felt like we were Sam and Freddie again. That was one of the greatest feelings I've ever had. We both accomplished something so great. We got the great news of dreams, we weren't so sure would ever come true…at least I wasn't. We planned on celebrating, maybe rebuilding a type of friendship that could last us the rest of the year. But instead…we celebrated in a complete different way. Not that that is a bad thing at all. I love Sam, and I always will. So, I definitely don't regret what happened between us. Actually, I feel happier than I have since that fateful night three months ago. Maybe I'm even happier than I was throughout our whole relationship. I feel connected to her now, in a brand new way. This bond we've always shared, feels linked forever. My only issue now is…what does all this mean? Does this mean we can finally get back on track? Or was this a goodbye?

When I woke up this morning, I saw her still sleeping. I didn't dare move to wake her, so I just watched her sleep for a while. I don't think she has ever looked more beautiful in her entire life, than she did in that moment. I knew that the second she woke up, reality would kick in. And I have to admit, I was a little scared of what that might bring with it. Last night was completely about Sam and I, and what we felt for each other. We didn't think about it, or talk about…we were just us. But this morning, she might wish she could take it all back. And I don't know if I can survive if that's the truth. When I felt her start to move, I quickly shut my eyes and pretended I was still sleeping. The last thing I needed right now was for her to see me staring at her. It might have freaked her out. And without knowing if this was the beginning or the end of something, was an extremely frightening thought. I knew it might be a little awkward to talk to her first thing after a night like that, but I was determined to make sure that didn't happen. I wasn't sure what I would say exactly, but I thought I would figure it out as I went along. That was when the worst possible thing happened…my mother came in from work.

My mom and Sam have never exactly seen eye to eye. Actually that is a bit of an understatement. My mom cannot stand Sam's influence on me. She worked over time to break Sam and I up and was absolutely ecstatic the day we ended it. While I was in pain, she was probably off celebrating. Yet, if she had caught Sam in my bed this morning….we'd probably both be dead right now. I can't imagine the amount of screaming and disappointment that would rein from her. Plus, I would never be trusted again…not that she overly trusts me now. But it would have been a million times worse. So, I needed to get Sam out of the apartment before my mother caught her. I needed to distract her in any way possible, and I knew that was an extremely daunting task.

"Mom? Hey, you're home early, aren't you?"

"What are you talking about, Fredward? It's almost seven thirty. You didn't just get up, did you?"

"Sorry, mom. Overslept."

"Freddie, how many times have we talked about being punctual. And what are you still doing in your clothes from yesterday?"

"Oh, I uh…I fell asleep in them when I was…um studying."

"Oh, I see. What was it you were studying for today?"

"What's that?" I asked, not really listening and just looking over at my door.

"What kind of test do you have?"

"Oh…it's just…English. No big deal."

"Well, it's gonna be a big deal when you're late. Did you not even take a shower yet?"

"Was just gonna do that. But…um, do you have some…soap I can borrow? I ran out yesterday and forgot to tell you."

"Are you sure, Fredward? Because I just bought you that last week."

"Yeah, you did. But…I dropped the bottle. So there isn't any left now."

"Oh, Fredward. What am I going to do with you? I keep reminding you how much that antibacterial soap costs."

"I know, I'm sorry. Won't happen again."

"Alright. Let me get mine, I suppose." She tells me, and heads down to her bedroom. I follow her down the hall, looking behind me for Sam. I see her peer out my door, and I tell her to make a run for it. "Here you go. Don't waste it this time, Fredward. Now, how about I make you some breakfast while you shower?"

"What? No, mom!"

"Why not?"

"Uh, you've had a long night. You should get some sleep. I can get something myself."

"Are you kidding me? Who knows what kind of junk you might try to put in your body?"

"Mom, please. Isn't it about time you trust my own judgments. And I mean, this is only breakfast."

"But…"

"No, mom. I'm 17 years old…you need to trust me."

"Alright, fine. But only this one time. I'll see after school. I love you."

"Love you too, Mom." I tell her, as I walk out of her room and she shuts the door behind her. I go back to my door, and check to make sure Sam got out. I threw the soap that was in my hand on my bed and go into the bathroom, starting the water. Just in case my mom comes back out of the room, I don't want her to realize I am gone. Then, I run and head out the door.

I decide that there is only one place I can go right now. I have to go talk to Sam. I don't want her thinking that this was a onetime thing and I'm ready to just forget about it. Because that is just about the opposite of what I am feeling right now. It is the opposite of what I've been feeling for the past three months…maybe even the opposite of what I've been feeling for years. I've spent way too much time thinking about the what ifs. I just need to go for it. I need go and tell Sam the truth. Tell her how I want her to come to college with me. Tell her how much I miss her….how much I love her. I'm tired of hiding my true self from her. And last night, was one of the greatest nights of my life. I just hope she feels the same way. As I walk out of my apartment, I know there is only one place Sam ran too. I stand outside the Shay's apartment and hesitate for a moment, not sure exactly what I am going to say to Sam right now. I shake my nerves away quickly and knock on the door, waiting for someone to come to the door. It's now or never, I guess.

"Freddie?" Carly asks, with a confused look on her face. "You knocked?"

"Yeah. I thought I'd start being…more polite?"

"Uh huh. Sure, why start now though?"

"I don't know. Anyway, the reason I'm here so early is…is Sam here?"

"She was. She just ran out of here, it was a little weird actually. It's like she was running from the cops again." She tells me, with a laugh.

"Is she?"

"No. I don't think so, anyway. She said…she said your mother was after her."

"Not yet." I say, barely above a whisper. "She's so funny. Anyway, I'll just see you at school I guess." I tell her, and turn to head out.

"Wait, not so fast." She says, stopping me from leaving.

"What?"

"You're still in your clothes from yesterday too."

"What? I wasn't wearing this yesterday."

"Yes, you were. If there is one thing I notice about people…it's what they're wearing. Don't try to distract me, though. Back to the subject at hand."

"Which is?"

"Um…were you with Sam last night?"

"Wh…what? No. what? Why…why would you think that?" I ask, sound a little too guilty.

"Um…first, you both are acting super weird this morning. Second, you're both wearing the same clothes you left here yesterday in. And third, you're acting super nervous and jumpy. Like, you're hiding something. And fourth, you both look like you just rolled out of bed."

"Well…it is the morning, Carly. Most people get out of bed now."

"No, no. That's not it. Did something happen last night?"

"What? No."

"Then why are you acting so weird, Freddie?"

"I am not acting weird. This is just how I am. Geez, thanks for the compliment."

"Please, I can tell you're lying. And Sam was too. You guys are my best friends, I can read the signs."

"What signs? There are no signs."

"Yes, there are. Something happened between you and Sam last night."

"No, it didn't. Nothing…happened."

"Alright, fine. What did you do last night?"

"What's that?"

"What…did…you…do last night?" She says, nice and slow. Making sure I don't miss a word, even though she knows I didn't the first time.

"Oh, you know…I studied for that English test."

"All night?"

"Yeah, tough material."

"Oh Come on, Freddie. You are a terrible liar."

"I am not."

"Yes, you are. Cause I know Sam went to see you last night. And she wasn't too into telling me about it this morning."

"So what? It was nothing. What was there to tell?"

"She always tells me. And when you go to talk to ex, that's something to call your best friend about."

"It was private. Maybe she actually respects people's privacy…unlike _some_ people."

"You know me better than that. So, why don't you tell me then?"

"I…I can't, Carly."

"So, something did happen?"

"I didn't say that."

"You didn't not say it, either."

"Yes, I did. You just don't believe me." I say, and she just looks me right in the eyes. "Alright, fine. Sam came over last night…we talked."

"Uh huh. Isn't that a good thing? You've been avoiding each other for months." I don't say anything to her, I just keep staring in front of me. "Freddie?"

"No, it's nothing. Just drop it, okay?"

"No, I will not drop it. Are you and Sam…?"

"There is no me and Sam. There is me. And then there is Sam."

"Nothing more? You're not hiding anything?"

"Not at all. I'm gonna go now."

"Freddie…"

"Okay, I don't know alright."

"What don't you know? Is there a you and Sam again?"

"I don't know."

"Come on, Freddie. We promised we wouldn't keep any more secrets from each other."

"Yeah, I know. But Carly…sometimes there is a place where we need to draw the line."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It's supposed to mean that, some things are a little more…personal than any of us care to share."

"I don't understand. Are you…oh my god."

"What?"

"Oh my god! Did you…did you and sam…?"

"Whatever you are thinking, Carly…just stop, okay?"

"No, no. You didn't. Oh my god, you did."

"What? What are you talking about, Carly? You're acting crazy."

"No, I'm not. You slept with Sam, didn't you?" She asks me and I look at her shocked.

"What? Are you insane, Carly?" I ask, looking behind me and clenching my teeth.

"Are you? How could you and Sam sleep together?"

"What? Why would you think that?"

"Um…it's so obvious now. You both are acting totally weird and…look like you just picked up your clothes up off the ground and threw them on. So, tell me the truth Freddie. Did you and Sam…sleep together last night?"

"Define sleep?" I finally give into Carly.

"Oh my god! I can't believe it! So, what? Are you guys back together?" Carly asks, in disbelief.

"No! I mean, I don't know! We didn't exactly have too much time to talk about it this morning. And we didn't…do too much talking last night."

"Okay, too much information. Didn't need to know that."

"You're the one that pushed till you figured it out! This is your own fault, Carly!"

"Oh god, I need to sit down. So…how did this even happen?"

"Like…play by play?" I ask, messing with her.

"Gross, no." She says, slapping my arm. "I mean, is that why you called her to come over last night?"

"What? No! I didn't plan…any of this. It just…happened."

"Seriously? How do you just _happen _to have sex with your ex- girlfriend?"

"I don't know, it all happened so fast. I mean, we were just gonna hang out. And then Sam started to tell me why she wanted to break up. And how she's been feeling this whole time. So, then I told her how I felt. And that…"

"And what?"

"I told her I loved her."

"That's awesome, Freddie. Isn't it?"

"No. Maybe. I don't know. But then all of a sudden, I kissed her. And for the first time in months…I felt free. I felt safe…I felt happy. I didn't want that to end. I didn't want it to ever end. And then before I knew it, we were…"

"Okay. Okay, enough details."

"I didn't mean for it to happen, Carly. But I don't regret it, either."

"Wow. So, does this mean you guys are gonna get back together?"

"I don't know."

"Well, do you want to?"

"I don't know. I mean, I do. But…so much stuff has happened these past few months. What if there's no way back from that?"

"And what if there is?"

"I don't know. I'm just afraid that this…may have just complicated things. I wanted to talk about it this morning, but…my mom came home."

"Oh my god! Did she see…"

"No! Thank god. Sam and I would both be dead right now if she did."

"Good point."

"And that's why I thought Sam would still be here." I say, sitting down next to Carly. "I don't know if I made a mistake last night, Carly."

"What does your heart say?"

"That…I love Sam."

"I think that's your answer."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Freddie, you and Sam…are two of the most stubborn, complicated people I've ever met. Somehow, the two of you…just make sense."

"You really believe that?"

"I do. But you don't need to convince me of that. You need to convince Sam."

"How do I even do that?"

"Just talk to her. I'm sure she's feeling a million things right now too."

"You're right. Thanks, Carly. I'll see you later." I tell her, and head to go home. "Oh, and Carly…don't tell Sam you know about this, okay?"

"What? I have to. I have to talk to her about this."

"You can't! If she knows I told you about this…she will kill me. And I like being among the living. If she tells you, then fine! But please, don't tell her I told you."

"But…"

"No buts. If you tell her, we have no chance. Please, Carly."

"Alright fine."

"Thank you. I owe you big time." I tell her and head back to my apartment.

I am seriously wondering what the right thing is to do about now. Do I go walk right up to Sam and confront her? Do I take it slow? Do I avoid her? Maybe Carly was right, though…I love Sam. Nothing can change that, it's not gonna falter. I just hope she feels this way too. I can sit in my room and mull over a million different scenarios in my head all day. Or…I could go and fight for the woman I love. And for the first time, face all this like a man. I think it is about time we stop avoiding conflict…and our feelings. It's about time we make it…or walk away forever. And that scares me a lot. But I'll never know until I try and lay everything out on the table.


	8. Making Things Worse

Chapter 8: Making Things Worse

**Carly's POV**

Sometimes life has a way of surprising you in the most unexpected ways possible. It's like life can change overnight without warning, and there is nothing you can do to stop that from happening. When I woke up this morning, I never expected life to be so dramatically different. It's a little scary to think about actually. I mean, last night I went to sleep knowing one thing and woke up to an entirely different reality. I have spent so much time living on the outside of a lot of situations. I've found a way to be okay with that most of the time, though. Actually it is more like, I know that's the truth but don't want listen to that voice inside my head; saying to stay out of it, instead of always getting involved. I know deep down that there are some things that are honestly none of my business and I should let other people live their own lives. But somehow, that just doesn't keep me from prying. I usually regret that decision pretty quickly. Which is exactly what happened today, and now I can't undo finding out the truth. Even though, that would make life a hell of lot easier right now.

Sam and Freddie have always had a complicated relationship, it's been that way since day one and I don't see that ever changing. I realize that, and I accept that. I also try to understand what that really means. I guess as time goes on, I have to admit and acknowledge that there are some things that may have to be kept between just the two of them. They have always held a connection that runs a lot deeper than I'll ever know. It just sometimes makes me feel like I'm not as included in their lives as I'd like to be. Yet, this morning I saw that sometimes…I need to just back off. When Freddie came over looking for Sam, I think I so badly wanted to fix things for my best friends. They have suffered so much pain and heartache these last few months. And I just thought that maybe if I butted into their lives…their relationship, I could fix everything that's been lost and broken. I see now, that was the wrong thing to do. I just never in a million years, thought that their secrets would run so deep. I kept on digging into what Freddie was hiding, instead of just letting them live their own lives for once.

Today, for the first time, I actually realize what crossing the line really means. I should respect my best friends enough to give them their privacy. That just simply is not in my nature, though. No matter how hard I try, I can't back off and sometimes I'm glad I don't. When Freddie told me what really happened between him and Sam, I saw something in his eyes that I haven't in a long time…faith. I don't think I ever really understood how much he loved her. I guess there are a lot of things I never understood about them. Then again, I ignored it all for so long that it got to a point of no return. And over the last few days, I've begun to feel guiltier than ever about that. If I took the time to actually be a good friend, then maybe things would be easier right now. But, they're not…and I have to find a way to just be helpful and understanding now. I know that they can make things work, if they just give each other a chance. Sam's scared of giving everything to Freddie, I know that much. It has to be the only reason she _really_ broke up with him. That's who she is, though. She runs away before people can leave and hurt her, because that's all she's ever known. It is just really hard to see who else gets hurt when she does that. Freddie is ready to fight for what they had and I hope for the happiness of my best friends…that he succeeds. Maybe, I can even help them get there. I just hope that I don't end up making things worse, and pushing them further apart.

"Hey, Carls. What's up?" Sam says as she enters my bedroom.

"Sam? Where have you been? I haven't seen you all day."

"Oh. Sorry about that, I had some…things to do."

"Okay. But, where were you at lunch today? You never miss lunch, Sam."

"Don't worry, I didn't miss lunch. I just…"

"Was avoiding Freddie?"

"What? Why would say that?"

"It's nothing. Never mind."

"No, wait. Did he say something about me?"

"No! It's just…he came over this morning looking for you. It seemed pretty important."

"Really?"

"Yeah. You know, you never did call me last night. I thought you would, since you were so nervous about going over to talk to him."

"Oh, yeah. Uh…it just got late. And…there wasn't much to tell. He just wanted to tell me that…he got into MIT."

"He did? Seriously? That's awesome! How come he didn't tell me?"

"I have no idea. I'm surprised the whole world doesn't know by now. He was really excited about it. He was so happy."

"I bet." I say, barely above a whisper and Sam doesn't hear me. "As he should be. This is an amazing opportunity for him."

"It is. I was there when he opened the letter. That's why he called me. And, just the look on his face…it's like all the pieces were coming together for him."

"And that's a good thing, right?"

"I guess so. It just felt…"

"Like the end?"

"I don't know. Maybe. Or…maybe just the beginning."

"What do you mean?"

"He called me over because he got into MIT. But…he also called me over because he had my letter from UMass."

"Why would he have that?"

"When we applied, we thought it would be better to hide it if we used his address."

"And you knew I'd never go anywhere near his apartment alone."

"Exactly."

"So…what did it say, Sam?"

"Oh, um…I got in."

"Seriously, Sam? That's amazing. How did you not tell me this? Congratulations!" I tell her and pull her into a hug. "I'm so happy for you."

"Thanks, it's just…it made me more confused than ever now."

"You still want to go there, don't you?"

"I don't know. I'm telling you, Carls…I'm so lost in this decision. It's like one day, I say no I'm gonna find other options or go to Parsons. But then the next…I think there is no other option. I just don't know what I'm gonna do."

"You'll figure it out, Sam. No matter what, though, this is an amazing opportunity."

"Yeah, I know. And um…speaking of opportunities, the other reason I skipped lunch today was that I was calling Parsons back. I decided to take that interview. It's next week…I can with you now." Sam tells me, and I don't say anything. "Carly? Did you hear me?"

"What? Yeah, it's just…are you sure this is what you want, Sam?"

"What is with you, Carls? Are you bipolar or something? Yesterday you were begging me to come with you to New York. Now, you don't seem so thrilled with the idea. What gives?"

"Sam, of course I want you to come with me. But…only if that is what you really want."

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"Because of Freddie."

"We talked about this, Carly. This has nothing to do with him. I need to do this. I can't worry about my feelings or anything else at this point. I need to go take my second chance in New York. I'm not gonna get a third one."

"I know. But…I know you, Sam. And you'll always regret if you settle for what your head tells you is the right thing to do, instead of your heart. Don't let that happen."

"I have to do this, Carly. I can't second guess that. Not anymore."

"Why not? Sam…I was being selfish yesterday when I asked you to come with me. I realize now, that you need to do what is right for you."

"Parsons' is right. It's always been the plan."

"But sometimes plans change."

"And sometime they don't."

"Tell me the truth, Sam. If Freddie came up here right now, and asked you to go with him next year…would you still go to Parsons?"

"Carly…"

"The answer is no. You would follow your heart and go to Massachusetts."

"That's not true, Carly. I wish it was. I wish that things could be easier, could be different. But, they're not."

"Aren't they?"

"What does that mean?"

"Nothing. It's just…I can tell there is something you're not telling me. Is there?"

"Of course not. We tell each other everything."

"Really? Then, tell me what really happened last night."

"What do you mean?"

"I know something happened between you and Freddie last night!"

"What? I thought you said he didn't say anything to you."

"He didn't. But I can tell. You both came over here early this morning, acting really strange. Even for the two of you. You came running in here, like you were running away from something…or someone. Just…tell me what happened last night, Sam."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Look I just can't, okay? I can't talk about this…or him. I can't! I mean, things are so confusing right now…with everything. My future…my life. So, I can't think about Freddie right now. And maybe that's selfish, but it is what it is. I just need to get away and go to New York. I can't deal with all of this right now."

"With what? Your feelings? You can't run away from them, Sam. New York is just a city, not an escape. If you run away again….it's only gonna make things worse."

"It's the only thing I can do. Why do you even care anyway?"

"I care about you, Sam. You're like my sister, I don't want you to be in pain."

"I'm not. I just…can't think about how I feel right now. I need to focus on other things. And why are you suddenly pushing Freddie and I back together anyways? I figured that would be the last you ever wanted."

"No, that's not true. I just…want you to be happy, Sam. You and Freddie both. You guys are my best friends in the world...and I know you make each other happy. You can't walk away or pretend that doesn't exist."

"I might have to, Carly."

"Why? Why are you so scared to be happy?"

"I'm not! I just…can't face Freddie right now."

"Why not? Because of last night?"

"What? No. Wait, I thought you said he didn't say anything to you."

"He…didn't. He didn't say anything. I just…feel like something happened that you're not telling me."

"It didn't."

"So, Freddie running in here this morning looking for you…didn't mean something?"

"Not at all. He probably…just wanted to talk about MIT some more."

"You know that's not true, Sam. Stop lying to me."

"He said something, didn't he?"

"No…no."

"Really? He didn't say a word to you?"

"No, not really. He said you came over last night and you guys talked. And that…that's all."

"Oh my god, he told you. He did. He told you what _really_ happened, didn't he?"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Carly, you've been my best friend forever. And you are a terrible liar!"

"No…I'm not."

"I can't believe he would do this to me! I would never tell anyone that we…"

"He didn't tell me anything, Sam! But…"

"But what, Carly?"

"I…sort of guessed what really happened." I reveal to Sam and she just stays silent. "Look, Sam I'm sorry. I pushed too far and wound up knowing way more than I wanted to, trust me. But, this isn't Freddie's fault…it's mine. So, if you wanna be mad…be mad at me."

"I am mad! At you! At Freddie! At myself! I don't know what's happening to me. I made a mess of everything."

"No you didn't, Sam."

"Yeah, I did. I don't know what I'm doing. I mean, what did I do, Carly?"

"You gave into your feelings…into something you loved. That's not a bad thing, Sam!"

"Really? Sleeping with your ex isn't a bad thing?"

"No. Not when you've been through as much as the two of you have. Sure, it's not how either of you probably imagined it to be. But, that doesn't mean it was a mistake."

"Yeah. But, I didn't mean for it to happen. It just…did."

"It's okay. It's good, Sam. I mean, you don't regret it, right?"

"I don't know. No, I don't think so. Okay, I know so. It's just…really hard to deal with right now. When we were dating, I thought about it a million times. And I know it would have been okay then. It would have been great then. But after we broke up, I just figured it would never happen. And now, after all these months…I don't know what to feel. Or if it was the right thing to do."

"Sure you do. You love, Freddie. There's no denying that. There's no taking that back. And I know you…you wouldn't want to."

"Yeah, I know. You're right. Last night, things just felt right for the first time in a long time. But…"

"What is it?"

"Even though, I felt happier than I had in months, and I remembered everything that I love about him…I don't know if it's enough."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean…maybe last night was goodbye."

"You can't be serious, Sam."

"I am. Look, I don't expect to understand…"

"You're right, I don't! You love Freddie, Sam! How could you walk away from that?"

"Because… I'm just gonna hold him back. He's going to do some amazing things with his future. He doesn't need some girl holding him down. I need to let him go."

"You can't do that to him. You know he doesn't feel like that."

"Maybe. I mean, that's what he told me last night. But, that doesn't mean I believe. He probably just wanted to sleep with me."

"Oh, come on Sam. You know that's not true. He's not like that."

"He's a guy, Carly. They're all like that. And even if it is the truth…I can't let him do that to his future."

"What if you're his future? Look, I know you're scared. And fear can hold you back from some great things. But…you broke his heart once, are you prepared to do it again?"

"He'll get over it."

"Not this time, Sam. You gave him hope last night in something he thought he lost forever."

"Did he tell you that?"

"Pretty much. And I know he meant."

"I don't know, Carly."

"Sure you do. You've spent months regretting a decision that was wrong. Now, you have a chance to undo that mistake."

"Maybe. But, at this moment I'm not sure that I want to. I am really angry he told you about this at all."

"He didn't mean to. I pulled it out of him. I…"

"It doesn't matter, Carly! The fact is no matter how it came out, he told you something that he no right to do. It was something that was just supposed to be between the two of us. If he really cared…if he really loved me, he wouldn't go around bragging about it. Like, I was some kind of prize."

"It wasn't like that, Sam! Look…"

"Just stop it, okay? He told you what happened…how can I trust him with anything now?"

"Sam….please, don't do this. Don't…" I start, but am interrupted by a knock on my door.

"Hey, guys there you are. I was just…what's going on?" Freddie asks, feeling the tension in the room.

"Nothing. We're done here." Sam says, and heads to the door.

"Sam, wait…please." I plead with her.

"What's wrong?" Freddie asks, confused at the situation.

"Don't act like you don't know."

"What are you talking about?"

"I can't believe you."

"What?"

"How could you tell Carly what happened last night?"

"Wh…what? I didn't…"

"Don't deny it. I just can't believe you'd do this to me!" Sam yells at him, storming out of the room.

"Sam, wait!" Freddie yells after Sam, chasing her out.

That definitely did not go the way I planned. I never should have pushed Sam. I should have just left everything alone. If she wanted me to know anything, she would have told me. I should trust our friendship enough to know that. In a matter of hours, I have pushed the two most important people in my life over the edge…and possibly away from each other forever. This is a really sensitive situation and it needs to be handled in a certain way. I need to believe that if things are meant to be, they'll work themselves out. I am officially removing myself from the entire situation once and for all. If Sam wants to come to New York with me next week, then we are going to have the best time ever. We are going to do everything we planned for years. If things feel right for her, then she'll come with me next fall. Otherwise, I know she'll go exactly where she knows will make her happy. And I have accept that my best friends need to learn to live their own lives, whether I like it or not. And I have to live mine. That's the only way I'm not going to self-destruct my own life and everyone in it.


	9. Whatever it Takes

Chapter 9: Whatever it Takes

**Freddie's POV**

In the past few days, my life has taken on a brand new direction. It keeps on surprising me in the most unexpected ways. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out if that's a good thing or not. I guess only time will tell. I'm trying to keep believing it is, though. It may be the only thing that keeps me focused on what is important. Yet, there is something that I have right now that I didn't have yesterday…hope. I feel like maybe things aren't really as screwed up at this moment as they have been the past few months. Like, maybe everything is going to work itself out. Maybe everything will be okay. That may only be some wishful thinking, but it is all I have right now. All day I have been thinking about what exactly is the right thing to do with this whole Sam thing. I realize that this is a very delicate situation, and I can't afford to make one false move. I know Sam, sometimes better than she knows herself. I know she is scared and stubborn…so I have to make sure that I make all the right choices when I attempt to win her back for real now.

This whole day has been a complete blur to me. I don't what I'm doing or where my head is exactly. And that is extremely confusing right now. Since I woke up this morning, things have gone completely crazy. From my mother nearly catching me in bed to Sam to my confrontation with Carly…things have been anything but simple. I didn't want Carly to know anything about what really happened between Sam and I. Yet, I figured that after she guessed the truth, there was no use in denying it. A part of me really wanted her help in a way. I mean, besides me, there is nobody in the world that knows Sam better than Carly. I guess I really needed her advice and after talking to her about how I feel…there is no doubt in my mind that I need to do everything in my power to fight for Sam. I realize now how stupid I've been all these months. I've allowed myself to be completely miserable, instead of going after something that I love more than anything in the world. When I think of how I was the night we broke up, I can't believe I'm the same guy. I was a coward when I let Sam walk away from me. That isn't going to happen again…that is the one thing I am certain about in my life right now.

I went to school today, knowing that I couldn't talk to Sam about what was going to happen there, but I really wanted to be able to talk after. I knew that I could spend the whole day planning exactly what I was going to say. Exactly what was going to convince her to come back to be for good. There is one thing that I know about Sam and that is that there is no changing her mind. She admitted how she felt and why she ended things…I just wondered now what she was thinking. Last night, before anything happened, she suggested we both walk away for good. I don't know if that was still scared of what our relationship could be or if that is how she really feels. And that scares me, because at this point it might just kill me if she walked away forever. I looked for her first thing this morning and couldn't find her. I figured she was late again, which is not abnormal for her at all. But then, she didn't show up at lunch and I knew something was up. This was her favorite period of the day and she ditched out. I had a feeling she was avoiding seeing me now. This was exactly what I didn't want to happen. I didn't want things to get awkward between us. I want her in my life…no matter what. And I wanted to make she knew that…if only I could find her.

When school was over, I knew there was only one place she would go. She was going to go to Carly's, like we have every day for years. It's our routine and I knew with certainty that was not going to change now. It was also the one place she could no longer ignore me today. I don't know what is going to happen, but I have to get to her. I have to tell her everything I have been thinking about all day. I mind as well not have been in school at all today, because I didn't hear a single thing that didn't involve Sam Puckett. I was really nervous as I headed over to Carly's. This was going to the moment of truth. It was going to be a conversation that could go two different ways. And that really scared me, but I knew I had to just put it all the line and take a chance. I don't want to look back and regret a single moment with Sam. Considering I've had a lot of regrets these last few months, and I don't ever want that to happen again.

When I got to Carly's bedroom door, my nerves started up. I knew that I may never have a chance to prove myself again and this could be my one and only moment. That was quickly thrown away, when I heard them talking inside. I decided to go in and get all this over with. When I entered, they stopped talking and Sam attempted to bolt for the door. I couldn't let her do that, but I was also not prepared for what was going to happen next. She knew that Carly found out what happened between us. I knew that I never should have trusted Carly to just let things fall the way they were supposed to. I should have known the second she got the chance, she would interfere and push Sam over the edge. When Sam stormed out, after accusing me of slipping our secret, I knew I had to go after her this time. I couldn't let her just walk away without her knowing the truth of what really happened. She wasn't going to get rid of me that easily…and I was going to prove that to her.

"Sam! Sam, wait…please!"

"No way, Freddie! Back off!"

"Sam, come on! You know I would never tell Carly anything!" I yell, grabbing her arm and spinning her to face me.

"Oh really? So, she just happened to guess what _really _happened last night?"

"Yes. And I know that's hard to believe. But…"

"You're right, it is. And I don't! You betrayed me, Freddie."

"I did not betray you. I didn't do anything wrong. You have to believe me, Sam. I would never do something like that to you."

"I don't believe a word you say anymore!"

"Why not? Sam, please…you have to know me better than that."

"Better than what? You going around bragging…about what you _accomplished?_"

"Is that what you think? That I was bragging? Because I would never do that. What happened between us, Sam…"

"Just forget it, Freddie!" She says, and heads to the door.

"No, we're gonna talk about this now. You're not gonna walk away from me again." I tell her, grabbing her arm again.

"There is nothing to talk about. We're done here." She says and turns to the door.

"So, that's it? You're just gonna leave and pretend nothing happened last night?"

"That's the plan. Trust me, it will better for both of us."

"How could you think that is even possible?"

"It's easy. The way I see it…we both get our futures. If we go our separate ways for good right now, nobody gets hurt. You go to MIT. I'll go to Parsons. And that way, we both get everything we ever wanted."

"You're all I ever wanted, Sam! You have to know that."

"Maybe I used to. Or maybe I just so badly wanted to believe that were true."

"It is true. I…"

"No it isn't. That is obviously not how it is anymore."

"Sam, I meant what I said last night. I love you!"

"Yeah, right. If that were true…you wouldn't have said a word to Carly about anything."

"I didn't! Look, she figured out what happened. And yes, at that point I didn't deny it. And maybe that was wrong, but…"

"You're right it was! Look, I thought last night meant something to you. That for once maybe we could have something just between the two of us. That maybe Carly wasn't going to be involved in _every _aspect of our lives. But, I guess I was wrong."

"Last night did mean something to me, Sam! It meant _everything_ to me! And I'm sorry Carly found out. Believe me, I never wanted that to happen. I respect you…and _us_ too much to tell anybody anything. She just…found out. And I'm sorry for that."

"So am I. I thought that maybe…I don't know. Never mind…I gotta go." She tells me and opens the door.

"So, what? You're just gonna walk out now to avoid confrontation again? I told you I was sorry."

"But you're not! No matter what you are trying to tell yourself right now. You betrayed what we had last night…and you can't take it back."

"Sam…"

"Look, I just need some time, okay? I can't deal with this right now, Freddie!"

"I meant what I said last night, Sam. I'm not going anywhere. And I am going to fight for you. And sooner or later…you'll realize you wanna fight for me too." I tell her, and we lock eyes for a few seconds. Then she turns and leaves, slamming the door behind her.

As I watched Sam walk out the door, I felt a piece of myself leave with her. This is definitely not how I thought today was going to go. I really did want things to work out for the two of us. Now, she feels further away than ever. I honestly don't know if there is a way back now. I feel like there is nothing that can break down the wall she has put up now. I used to know exactly how to get around it…I'm just not so sure that is how things are anymore. I am prepared to do whatever I have to, to show Sam that I am all in and our relationship is worth fight for. I'm not gonna let her run away from us forever. I'm just scared that her ego is going to stop her from actually hearing what I have to say. I had a feeling this morning that I never should have said anything to Carly. I know her better than that, and I know she can't mind her own business. It's like she wakes up every day and has to go interfere in other people's lives. I guess that's just who she is. And that's fine…I just wish it didn't involve my life so much. What if Sam and I are really over forever now? If I had just left this morning without saying a word…maybe things would be different right now. Maybe Sam and I would be back together right now. I guess I can't dwell on the what ifs….i just have to figure out a way to get Sam to listen to me.

"Freddie! Aren't you gonna go after her?" Carly asks, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"What the hell did you do, Carly? I specifically told you not to say anything to her about what you found out!"

"I didn't! Well, not exactly, anyway. I was trying to get her to tell me…and she figured out I already knew. I'm really sorry, Freddie."

"Well, you should be! There may be no coming back from this now."

"Oh, of course there is. She's mad now. But this is Sam we're talking about, she'll find a way to forgive you."

"I don't know this time, Carly. It seemed different. You really need to quit meddling in other people's lives."

"I know, you're right. I was only trying to help, though."

"That's the whole thing, Carly! You don't help. You just make things a million times worse. I could have handled this."

"I know. I just thought that she could use to talk about it to someone."

"Yeah, she needed to talk to me."

"I know. I think you're right. I know you're right."

"I'm sorry. I know you care about Sam and I. And in some strange way, you're trying to help. I'm just…mad at myself, that's all."

"So am I. I shouldn't have pushed. Not with you this morning…or Sam right now. You need to figure this out yourselves. It's just… I'm just worried she's not thinking clearly."

"What do mean?

"She's confused about everything in her life right now. And…she's scared, Freddie."

"Scared of what?"

"Her future. Look, Sam and I…are going to New York next week. She took that interview with Parsons."

"Seriously? That's amazing."

"But I know it's not what she really wants."

"I thought this was what you and Sam have been planning for half your life."

"It is. And if she wanted to come, I'd be so happy. But…"

"What?"

"She'll kill me for saying this, but I know she doesn't want to come to New York. Maybe right now, but not next fall. I know somewhere else is in her heart now."

"Huh?"

"She wants you to ask her to go with you to next year!"

"What? No, she doesn't. I know you heard her, and she's running away from me now. She doesn't want to be with me…now or next year."

"Do you really believe that, Freddie?"

"I don't know."

"Oh my god. You know for a smart guy, you can be really stupid."

"Thanks for the compliments today, Carly!"

"You've known Sam a long time, if you can't read between the lines by now…then maybe she's right. Maybe you should go separate ways. Or…you could do right by your word, and fight for her. Because if you do…she'll realize what she really wants."

"I don't know, Carly. I know I told her I would…but what if it's too late?"

"It's not. Do you love, Sam?"

"Of course."

"Do you want her to go to college with you next year?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Are you prepared to take a leap of faith?"

"Um…maybe. But…"

"No buts. I just want you guys to be happy. Whatever it takes, okay?"

"She wants her space, Carly. Maybe I need to respect that for once."

"Yeah, I think so too. She needs some time to realize just how much she needs you. Plus, you shouldn't be all needy and go crawling back to her."

"Okay, we were on the same page…and now you lost me."

"Ugh…Freddie, _she_ broke up with _you_. Whether, either one of you wanted to admit that…it's the truth."

"Yeah, I know."

"And she's starting to regret that now."

"Okay, so what do I do now?"

"You give her the time she wants. She'll come around. But that doesn't mean we can't plot to speed up the process."

"We?"

"You guys are my best friends…I want to help. Plus, I can't stand this awkwardness anymore. I want us all to hang out like we used to. Just have fun…and do a normal iCarly episode again. We need to get things back to the way they were."

"Alright, I want that too. But, is this for us or for you?"

"A little bit of both. Mostly you guys, though."

"Okay. Whatever you're thinking…I'm in. I have nothing to lose, right?"

"Exactly. Alright, well give her a few days. If she doesn't come around, then…Sam and I are gonna go to New York."

"Okay. But, how is this helping to get her back?"

"You think I don't have a scheme up my sleeve? But if you don't want my help…it's fine. You know, maybe I can find her a great New Yorker next week. Some hot, college guy…with some great abs and a killer smile. And…."

"Alright, fine! What's your idea?"

"You gonna trust me?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"No."

"Okay, then I trust you."

"Okay…here it is. But I have to warn you…it's a little risky."

"I'm ready to do whatever I have to at this point."

"Alright…here's the plan."

It feels a little strange to be plotting a scheme with Carly without involving Sam. I mean, Sam is the mastermind of all plots. This time, it's against her, though. And at the same time, I know that Carly has an evil mind and whatever she is thinking…just might work. Of course, I've never been able to quite trust Carly's ideas in the past. But right now, I have nothing to lose and she is my only option. I'm ready to whatever I have to win Sam back. If that's giving her space to think about our relationship, and what she really wants…then so be it. If that leads her back to me, then it is worth whatever the sacrifice. When she issued her ultimatum earlier, it really broke my heart to hear her talk like that. It was like she really was ready to walk away from me, never to look back again. I'm just praying with everything that I have, that she has a change of heart. And I know that whatever happens next is going to shape what my future is forever. If that is with Sam…or without her. I know one thing, and that is that I love Sam more than anything. And I'm gonna fight as hard as I physically can to get makes things right….and never let her go again. I just hope I find the strength in myself to do that.

**A/N:**** I just wanted to take a second to say thank you to all of my amazing readers that have been giving me so much support with this story. All of your reviews and kind words, definitely keep me motivated to update a little quicker than I normally would. So, thank you again…it really does mean a lot to me!**


	10. I Want To Believe

Chapter 10: I Want To Believe 

**Sam's POV**

There is something so alluring about the idea of a fresh start. You know, the chance to just go somewhere new and start over. It's like everything up to this point has been a prologue, and once high school is over…the real story begins. I've had a hard time deciding whether or not I actually believe that. I want to more than ever right now, though. I want a chance to prove myself to people, who I can be…where I'm going. I want to leave Seattle…and all the expectations and memories that it holds. I just want a chance to be free from it all, for the first time in my entire life. Maybe New York is my answer. Maybe it can give me the sort of life and experiences I've always wanted. Nobody knows me there. Nobody knows where I came from or what my past is like. I can just be me…whoever that ends up being. And that's kind of the exciting part. I can actually be Samantha Puckett…I won't be judged about every choice I make. I won't have my juvenile past thrown back in my face every two minutes. I've never really taken the time to think about all that before…until right now. This past week has been straining and emotional…and confusing. It has left me more unsure of my future than ever. And I've had a lot of time alone to finally think about what the right thing is to do. Maybe it is New York and Parsons. Maybe it's not. But I think I am finally ready to find out.

I think that this past week has taught me a lot of things. It's taught me that I am stubborn and indecisive…but it's also taught me that I like being alone at times. I like the idea of having my own opinions about my life without other people interfering. After my confrontation with Freddie last week, I've avoided him at all costs. Not a single word…or even a slight glance. I know that if I do, I will never be able to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. So, I have to stay away for now. Maybe that's childish, but I honestly just need to be away from him for a little bit. I love him…I probably always will, but maybe I need to be my own person before I find the guy I want to be with forever. Sure, our relationship was intense and crazy…unexpected. But, I was happier than I'd ever been in my whole life. And I gave up an incredible opportunity for him….and that's not who I am. I'm independent and strong. I need to get back to being strong again. I don't like being weak and relying on everyone around me to pick up the pieces of the messes I cause. I put on a show, so I seem lazy and uncaring. But honestly that's not me. Yes, I've had a hard life growing up. My father left when I was young and my mother hasn't been the same since. I've spent more time taking care of her than she has me. I don't resent that…it's the only thing I've ever known. I know she did her best, and I appreciate everything that I have. That doesn't mean I don't want to be my own person, though.

I've spent years being in Carly's shadow, just being a character in her world. For the most part, I've been okay with that. I mean, she's my best friend in the world and I love her to death. Sure, she's nosey and a little crazy sometimes. She almost always has to be right and butts into situations that aren't her concern. But none of that matters to me, I still know she's the one person who will always be there for me….no matter what I do or where I go. I think that is the most comforting thing in my life. At the same time, there are certain things I wish she never knew. I wish she wasn't so insistent…and pried information out of my ex-boyfriend. I wish he never would have opened his mouth. A part of me understands. Maybe he wanted her advice on how to deal with this. Maybe he thought I told her already. But another part of me will _never _understand. I thought that our relationship was something that was just ours. And I assumed that anything that came along with that would be ours too. I guess that's just not the case anymore. Maybe it never was. Maybe Freddie never cared about me at all. Maybe I was just an excuse to get to Carly. He did always claim to love her, right? How could I ever think that could change?

I don't want that to be true, though. I want to believe everything that Freddie has ever said to me. I want to believe that he loves me, that he'll always love me. I want to know that he'll be there for me, no matter what happens next. Even though I denied it to him last week, I guess a part of me….a big part of me, wants him to fight for me. I want him to prove that I can trust him. That he really is the good man I've always believed him to be. I'm just not sure there is anything he can do to prove that point to me now. He took something extremely private and told my best friend about it. Granted I should be glad he didn't blab it to anyone else, but it still feels like betrayal. I mean, we didn't even have a chance to talk about it before he was talking to Carly about it. That's the part that hurts the most. He felt more comfortable talking to her than me….about us. I know I should have stayed and listened to him last week. I should have been more understanding…more trusting. But that's not who I am. But I can tell you this…I've missed him so much this past week. I don't think we've ever spent this much time apart in years, and my life feels a little empty without him. While I've avoided him, I've also been staying away from Carly's. She came over here a few times, and said she understood if I needed some time away from Freddie. I wondered if she actually believed me or not. I kind of hope so, though. If I lose Freddie forever…it will be something that will take me a long time to get over. But if I lose Carly…it might kill me. I really need my best friend right now. I'm so happy to go to New York with her this week. I can forget about all this drama and have fun. We can have the trip we've talked about for years. We can do all the things we've always wanted to do in the city. Like, go to Times Square… and go to Barney's, even though we can't afford anything, see the plaza…and walk through Central Park. It's nothing insane, it's just stupid things we've always wanted to see. And I can't wait to finally get the chance to be free, on our own in the greatest city in the world.

I'm also looking forward to this week being the deciding factor on the rest of my life. I mean, if I love New York I'm gonna live there next year. That's kind of exciting to think about actually. Besides school, though, I hope that this will finally give me the clarity on whether or not I should let Freddie go for good. I've been back and forth a million times and I don't know what I should do. Sure, I haven't seen him all week and maybe that's made it easier in the idea of walking away. But, I'm not so sure I could really do it at the end of the day. I know that if I listened to my heart it would lead me to entirely different place than I am planning. Maybe that's a good thing. And maybe it's not. Maybe I need to start listening to my head a little more. It will tell me the sensible thing to really do. I feel like this is going to be a life changing trip for me, and I'm ready for whatever that entails. I think I can embrace this opportunity and know by the end what I really need to do. I know that if I decided to go to Massachusetts, I'd be alright. But I need to look down deep, and figure out how to be happy in every aspect of my life. I need to let go of this reliant idea I had a few months ago, of being with Freddie at college. I knew I'd have him to support me with my future. And I loved that idea so much…I just think that I might have on rely myself for once, though. And what I want, and what will make me successful. I need to stop thinking about other people and be a little more selfish than I have this past year. If I don't….I know I could up regretting a lot of things in my life. And that is the absolute last thing that I want to do…not now and not ever.

"Sammy?" My mom knocked on my door, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Hey, mom."

"Are you packing for New York?"

"Just about to start."

"Uh huh." She said, sitting down on the edge of my bed. "So, are you gonna tell me what's going on with you? Or do I have to start guessing?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Well…you're the quietest you have been since you were born. You look like you've been crying for days. And you've spend more time at home this week than you have in years. What gives?"

"It's nothing. I'm fine. I just…needed some time alone. That's all."

"Really? You just wanna be alone? Nothing's wrong?"

"Nope."

"So, this has nothing to do with you suddenly deciding to take off to New York?"

"Not at all. You know I want to go to college there."

"Yeah, but you haven't talked about that in ages."

"Well, I've decided to talk about it now."

"Uh-huh. Or…?

"Or what, mom?"

"Or, does this have something to do with that boy? What's his name? Nicky, Frankie…"

"Freddie?"

"That's it."

"And no, this has….nothing to do with him."

"You know you're a terrible liar, right? You can tell me about it if you want."

"Seriously, mom? It's not like we've ever really talked about anything before."

"I know that. But I'd like to change that if I can. Come on, Sam. If there is one thing I know about…it's men."

"That's for sure."

"Point taken. Look, I've had more guys walk in and out of that door. I don't want that to happen to you. So, come on. You and…Freddie dated for a while, right? He was always around….and then something happened."

"Yeah, it's no big deal."

"Sure it is. It's alright to feel bad about it ending, Sam."

"No, it's not!"

"Why not?"

"Because…everything that happened was my fault."

"Don't blame yourself for anything. Relationships go both ways."

"Not this time. I ended things, I have no right to feel…anything."

"Why not? I mean, why'd you break up with him?"

"Because I was scared. I was scared to let him all the way in…and to love him. So, I ran away and I've been running for months."

"Samantha….I know this has so much to do with me. And I'm sorry about that."

"What are you talking about?"

"I raised you and Mel to be independent and know that men are no good. That was wrong. And something I'm learning a little too late."

"Mom…"

"No. You deserve to have somebody love you, something I haven't done enough of. And I saw it in that boy's eyes. The way he looked at you…it was like you were his whole world." She told me, her voice breaking slightly. "And when I saw you guys, it made all the sense in the world."

"What did?"

"The two of you being together. I mean, you've been bringing him here for years. And I guess there was always something there, wasn't there? Yet, I never took the time to care enough or ask you about it. But when you started dating him, it seemed so right. I knew I could trust him with you, and he'd protect you. I could see how much he truly loved you. And…I don't want you to afraid to be in love, Sam. I want you to be happy."

"Thanks, mom. That really meant a lot to hear you say."

"I sort of wish I would have said more in the past."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not. But I'm gonna try to be here now. So, tell me the truth….are you alright?"

"No. I walked away from the greatest person I've ever known…and there's no going back." I told my mom as a tear slipped down my cheek.

"Why not?"

"Because….too much has happened now. I've avoided him for the last week, and maybe the more time we spend apart…the easier it will be to let each other go."

"But you don't want to. Did something more happen than just you guys breaking up?"

"It's nothing. It's just….last week he told Carly something about our relationship that I didn't want her to know. I thought I could trust him with anything…but I don't think I can anymore. I'm not even sure I want to."

"Look, if you really need to walk away for good…just make sure it's what you feel is right. Trust me, Sam…you don't want to wake up years from now plagued with a lot of regrets."

"Yeah, I know. But…how do I know what to do?"

"You don't. This is one aspect of your life…that you have to rely on your heart to make the right decision."

"So, if I went back to Freddie…I wouldn't be weak?"

"Of course not. You are a strong girl, Sam. But sometimes….it's okay to let your guard down. And if you love him…it will be worth it all in the end."

"I guess so. Thanks, mom."

"Anytime, kiddo. Alright so, you wanna grab dinner or something? Enough with all this sappy talk already. We can go somewhere with some sports on or something and yell at the TV."

"Sounds great. Actually, I think there's a hockey game on tonight."

"Perfect. I'll meet you downstairs in 10."

"Okay."

I think that might be the first time my mother and I have ever talked about something important. And it was the best thing in the world. I have always wanted to have a relationship with her that I could tell her things that are happening in my life. Maybe that will start now….although I don't want to get my hopes up. Maybe she is right, though. I can't let fear run my life. If I love Freddie, it should be worth it. I should stop running in the opposite direction. I just can't seem to stop myself from doing that, and that scares me a lot. I mean, what if I'm never happy because I'm constantly running away from happiness? That's what I did with Freddie last week…it's what I'm still doing today. There is just so much to consider and think about. My future rests on whether or not I want to forgive him and take him back. I think I need some time to really think about all the angles before I make a formal decision. That is why this week in New York will be good for me. It will take me away from all the madness and just let me think for a second. And that is exactly what I need right now.

_**Two days later**_

I haven't been to Carly's in over a week now, and being back here now is a little hard to deal with. I walked out that door last week, after my fight with Freddie, and didn't look back. I missed iCarly this week and feel a little bad about it. But I know Carly understood that I had to put myself before business this one time. She did pretty good without me, but I honestly can't wait to get back to it next week. I know that the second I walk in that building, I have the chance of seeing Freddie's face again and I don't really think I'm ready to. I don't have much of a choice, though. I'm leaving today with Carly to take off to New York. We leave in a few hours and I have to face the fear of just going inside already. Once I get to the eighth floor, I stand outside the Shay's door. I look between there and the Benson's. A part of me wants to knock on his door and lay my feelings out for him. I know I can't do that, though. Considering I don't know what they even are yet. That doesn't stop my heart from yearning for him. I finally pull myself together and walk through the door.

"Yo, Shay! You almost…ready?" I asked, as I slowly closed the door behind me and come face to face with my ex-boyfriend.

"Sam….hi." He said, softly and a little nervous.

"Hey." I stared at him for a few minutes, before breaking our eye contact and continuing through the apartment. "You almost ready to go, Carly?"

"You bet! I'm so psyched about this trip, Sam. It's going to be amazing."

"I know it is. We've only been planning it forever."

"And now it is finally happening. I can't actually believe we're gonna be in New York City! It has felt like a dream all these years."

"Well, quit dreaming Carls. Let's go!"

"Can I actually talk to you for a second, Sam?" Freddie asked, from behind us.

"Uh…"

"You know, I'm gonna go see what's taking Spencer so long with my bags. I'll be back in a…bye!" Carly said, and ran up the stairs. I almost followed after her, but my feet stayed in place.

"What do you want, Freddie? I said everything I wanted to last week." I told him, after I saw Carly disappear up the stairs.

"I know. Just listen to what I have to say for one minute. Then you can leave."

"Alright, fine."

"Look, I'm gonna be honest…this has been a hard week without seeing you. You ignoring me, and staying away from here…it's been really difficult to deal with. But I know this isn't about me or how I feel. And….I understand exactly what you were saying now. I didn't last week…and I'm sorry for that. I let my emotions talk for me and that was wrong. I know you have to do what you think is right. I know you have to follow your heart. I just hope that you find whatever you're looking for."

"Thank you, Freddie. That means a lot to hear you say all that. I know it can't be easy for you, and I'm sorry for that too. But, when I come back…I'll have all this figured out. I promise, it's just…I don't know what I really want or need from you right now. Maybe staying away from each other is the right thing to do."

"And maybe it's not. After everything that we've been through….could you really walk away forever?"

"I don't know. Maybe. That's why this trip is going to be really good for me. Getting out of Seattle will hopefully help me figure out what I want to do. I meant what I said…I just need some time, Freddie."

"And I meant what I said. And I won't ever take that back. You know, whether or not you know it right now. Or you realize it next week, next month, next year….we belong together, Sam. I believe that, and I'm never going to stop believing that. And I'm gonna do everything in my power…to make you see that too. Have a safe flight, Sam. I'll see you soon." Freddie told me, kissed my cheek, and walked out the door.

I turned around and watched him leave. I so badly wanted to chase after him and tell him I believed all that too. But I stopped myself, because I know that I need the time I told him I wanted. If I went running after him right now, I'd always wonder whether I made the right choice or not. I want to have faith that Freddie's right about us. I want to trust him, and what we have. I just hope I can decide sooner rather than later. This is going to be a productive week, and I know that when I come back here…everything will be okay. And I'll make the right decision, at least I hope I do. Because for the first time, I really do believe that Freddie wants to fight for what we have. And today, I saw the first step towards that and I couldn't be happier in this moment.

"Hey, Sam." Carly said, taking me out of my thoughts. "Is everything okay?"

"What? Yeah, everything's fine."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, for the first time in a long time…I'm actually sure about that."

"Good. Let's go to New York!"

"Finally!"

"Alright kiddies, let's get agoing." Spencer said, coming down the stairs.

"Spencer, I don't think agoing is a word." Carly said to Spencer, attempting to correct her brother's English.

"Um, I'm pretty sure it is Carls."

"Um, I'm pretty sure it isn't Spence."

"I'm the adult here. I think I know a little more about proper…words than a high schooler."

"And I don't care what you think you know…." Carly continued arguing as we walked out the door. And all I know is, this is going to be one long trip to the airport.


End file.
